Sinco Searching

January's Sestina

2012-02-02T15:39:00.001-06:00

I wrote this while on break at work today. I've been thinking a lot about my favorite place lately. I love my husband, profoundly and into my bones. This poem is still quite rough, I might try writing February's poem earlier in the month and have some time to refine it before posting.... we shall see, any who, here it is.

I am profoundly content

When resting in his arms

Death and destruction

Are kept at a distance

While his strength

Holds my heart

Fragments of my heart

Begin to content

Themselves strengthened

While held by his arms

His own pain distant

I pray for no destruction

Yet I know I may need destruction

For the depths of my heart

To stop keeping him distant

And allow for contentment

To fill me to my arms

And imbue me with strength

Seeping through my veins strength

Grown from the roots of destruction

Flowing in me through my arms

My legs my hands my heart

Yet with this I am not content

Not while he is distant

Looking toward the distant

Future I pray for strength

For the chance to still be content

Hoping to survive destruction

Massaging the depths of my heart

His love flows straight through his arms

Timeless in his arms

I work to ever lessen the distance

And keep my feet in my heart

So I can draw strength

Still from the past destruction

And what I learned about contentment

Our arms joined in strength

Contentment and heart

Despite any amount of distance or destruction

Sestina and Me

2012-01-25T10:01:00.001-06:00

I don't know how many of you know what a sestina is. I think to save time I will provide a link here and you can look it up for more about it because I don't know how well I would do at explaining it this morning.
I learned about them as a teenager and found the form fun and fascinating. I have never mastered the genius of writing one that made obvious sense, or told an understandable story, as some poets have, and can accept that I very likely never will. But everyone needs a goal, right? Today I am posting one that I wrote eons ago. I will not explain what it means because I like the reader to take ownership and get what they can out of poetry.

Sestina Op.2 No.5

Everything I ever wanted I found in you

Remind me what do I want?

Here prostrate in the light of candles

I have no soul

I have not the strength to search

The depths of truth

Will you fill me find my truth

That I might in the grace that is you?

Or is it solely my job, this search?

I do too much thinking and want

Only to know the life of a soul

As I ritualistically lay in front of candles

Before now as I was lighting the candles

I was thinking of the phrase burning truth

What would it be? How would it take my soul

Or is that a part of the magic of you?

My questions are innumerable and not what I want

Not the things themselves, just the tired search

Oh, I don’t want to get up, I don’t want to search

To do more than languish in the light of candles

I don’t know what I need, do you know what I want?

Can you? All knowing why not show me truth

Just throw me a bucket of you

I’ll lie here while it falls, finding my soul

Are the core and the soul

The same? I search

But can you

Who made the light of candles

Who personifies truth

Can you give me want I want?

I know I know it doesn’t matter what I want

I need to find my soul

Can’t I know the truth

Must I ever search

Here with only me and candles

For I cannot find you

Come I say to you but not to my soul

Rituals and candles questions and wants

But fatal searches and still can’t find truth

So, why am I posting this? I used to write one poem every month. I want to do that again, and I want to write sestinas. At least for a while. It's like having a puzzle to solve, or a mystery to crack, and who doesn't like doing that? Sure, I could just keep watching British mystery shows, but really, wouldn't this be at least marginally more productive? And guess what?

I'm going to share them with you.

School Book

2011-12-29T14:49:00.000-06:00

I made a book last spring with the express purpose of giving me a place to do some art journaling about my undergrad experience.

So, I am finished with it finally. I thought I would share.

Dragonflies for Christmas

2011-12-26T21:04:00.000-06:00

We had a lovely quiet Christmas. We both worked on Christmas Eve, then he worked on Christmas day. I had a quiet time, catching up on some projects and such. All in all a very nice time. The weather isn't very Christmasy, but I am not going to complain about it!!

Jason designed and built this cabinet for me for Christmas! I was so surprised and happy!

We got it hung up and I filled it with things which are precious to me.

I also went for a jog on Christmas. First real attempt at that, and it went well. I figure it was a year a go when my cousin and Aunt ran their first 5k, I should really get started!

4.0

2011-12-20T08:58:00.001-06:00

Yes, I earned straight A's for the first time in my MSU college career in my first semester of grad school. It was a crazy four months, what with the new job and learning how best to handle the fact that I wasn't in class very much, but had to study twice as much, yet it worked out.
I know for a lot of people straight A's are just about as common as dandelions, but I was never able to commit myself to all those stinking gen ed classes! I didn't care what my grades were in the gen eds as long as I passed them. I strangely, perhaps stupidly, believed that what would count when trying to get into a grad program were my degree specific grades. I think I was wrong. But there are advantages to staying in Springfield and at MSU for a couple more years, so I am trying to make it count as much as I can.
Oddly enough I thought I would have time to blog at least once a week.
Obviously that didn't happen.
I'm not going to foolishly commit to any such thing either.
However, I do think that I could use this blog to help me reach my next important goal.
Last summer I did pretty good about going for a walk everyday. I was exercising a little almost everyday. Since school started I have done nothing. Nadda. Zip. I know in order to get healthy I need to exercise and eat right. Surprisingly enough, I have got the eating part down. I made myself about a months worth of meals, all healthy and full of veggies, and froze them. I have no excuses not to have an actual meal everyday, two even. :) I have noticed a difference. Now I need to up the ante and get moving.
I think once a week would be doable, but I'm not promising to blog that often once school starts. I will keep track of my daily activity, or at times lack of it, on a chart and then when I remember post it in my blog.
Fingers crossed, I hope this helps!
And YAY!!! for a good semester!

Bedded Down for the Winter

2011-11-10T12:10:00.001-06:00

Early last week I took advantage of a couple of warm days coinciding with a couple of days off and got the yard/gardens tucked in for the season.

As you can see it was kind of a mess in the back 40, and the clean-up was much needed!

This is the flower bed. The Castor Bean took over! I Loved this plant and will probably grow one every year for as long as I can.

After I got the herb garden spruced up I had to take some photos of the little gnome.

This is the flower bed ready for winter..... I hope. :)

See, isn't that better? All the grass is trimmed and the dirt is turned, and the birds have some food.

And when there is a spot or two of warmth outside we can have a sit down and enjoy it. :)
This is the month of Thanksgiving. Many of my friends on Facebook are posting daily the things they are grateful for. I did something like that last year, but I am entirely too busy to commit to posting anything on a daily basis right now. I will say though that I am very grateful for the good old out doors, and for my parents encouragement of my love of gardening. Papa was always happy to let me help with gardening and encouraged me along in my first flower and herb bed adventures, and mom had such a good eye for beauty and what flowers and plants looked nice together. There are a lot of reasons I am thankful for my parents, but given the theme of this post I think it's good to point out this one.
And while I'm at it, I am exceedingly grateful to my husband for building garden beds for us/me. He is always so happy to help me with anything, even building me my very own garden tool box! I count myself as one of the luckiest, most blessed girls ever!

Let me tell you a Story

2011-10-07T17:04:00.000-05:00

It begins (well, this is not REALLY where it begins. It REALLY begins MONTHS ago ) on a beautiful sunny autumn day...

Two happy love birds set forth into the unknown with a tuck and trailer loaded with their hard work and some camping gear...

When they finally arrive at their destination and set up camp a fire is started and dinner happens, followed by delicious smores made from HUGE marshmallows, then a quick clean-up and to bed.... I would like to be able to show you a picture of the sky at night, it was AMAZING! Then they woke super early and crept to the showers of warmth to begin the longest day ever...

Now, just because it was the longest day ever doesn't mean it was a bad day. It started out wonderful. We met Linda for breakfast and then headed to down-town Poplar Bluff to set up our shops. The balloons were provided and the day was beautiful. We met a lot of interesting people, and had a few sales, and learned a LOT about vending at an event.

At one point I thought I could eat a baseball sized marshmallow in one bite....not so much! Which is a good analogy for the end of the day. See, we had to pack up everything, which wasn't so bad, then drive for four hours in the dark.....after being awake since 5am.... that WAS hard. THEN we got to unload everything! All told that day was really only about 22 hours long, but geesh! I don't think we'll do it quite that way again. Next time we will camp again. (I could camp every night)

This is what my life looks like now. And will do so for a few months....or more. I happen to like this view though, so it is good.
Life is good, and that is a perfect end to the story.

Melody Joy

2011-09-30T07:31:00.001-05:00

Today is a day to celebrate! Today I am grateful for yet another year in the life of one of the best friends I have known. She is well loved by many, and deservedly so, but I would like to take a moment to mention a few of my favorite things about Melody Cutbirth.
She is courageous. I know of few people so willing to be vocal about their beliefs, and particularly about their beliefs about how we should treat each other. But boy howdy, you will learn to watch yourself around her! And I say Good!
She has a beauty that is so innate that she can't see it. It shines through in the way she cares for others, but mostly this gift flows through her dance and her writing.
She is also willing to try new and scary things in an effort to achieve bigger and better things for her life. I know how hard that is, and what a struggle it can be in the day to day living to just try and keep your nose above the waves, but she does it. Not only that, but she does it with grace, beauty and humanity.

I say watch out world: you ain't seen nothin' yet!!
Happy Birthday Melody!!

Mom

2011-09-17T11:43:00.000-05:00

My mom had many sayings. When I was a child I remember hearing, "If you have to ask, the answer is probably no." "It's no fun to pick on someone who doesn't react." "Just because so-and-so does it doesn't mean you can." and various other advisory type things. Most good moms use these phrases daily, and thank Heaven they do!
But I also remember hearing a lot of "I love you bunches and gobs and mountains full." "Nothing you ever do or say will change the fact that I love you now and I always will." "God's love is perfect, but I'll try to match it." "I love you, period." My mom is full of love for her daughters, and we will never doubt it or forget it! Happy Birthday Mom!! I'm so glad YOU are my mom (and I didn't get saddled with someone else!).

This Day

2011-09-11T06:55:00.000-05:00

I will never forget where I was on this morning Eight years ago.

I had decided to go to my favorite place to watch the sunrise.

I knew that day was special.

I knew that I was going to be an aunt again, and this time it would be a girl!!

I also knew I had to work.

So early in the morning I was up before the sun.

I went to my place and sat and as the sun rose I quietly sang my favorite lullabies and put the finishing touches on Serenity Anne Crousore's baby afghan.

9/11 is such a sad day for so many,

for me it is a beautiful day which I choose to spend in celebration.

Even when I can't be there physically,

I always celebrate this day.

I always celebrate this girls life.

I love being her aunt.

Someday we will live closer and I hope we will be good friends.

Happy Birthday Serenity!!!

Designing

2011-08-28T09:26:00.000-05:00

I think this tray was intended to be a ravioli mold, but it works well as a color pallet too. This is the color scheme for two of the purses I've made thus far. I don't feel like I'm accomplishing enough. But I know even the poky puppy gets there eventually, and if I just keep at it, I'll get there.
Why do I need to keep poking along?
Jason and I are hoping to be among the crafters selling theirs goods at the Iron Horse Festival on Oct. 1. I say hoping because they haven't got back with us to confirm our place. It will be one day, and our first attempt at something like this. So I think we are both coming at it with the idea that this is an experiment. Hopefully a productive and good one!
One of the things I'll be selling are hand made purses made from recycled, or upcycled jeans. I'll also be putting them on Etsy when they are finished. Soon I'll post pictures of some of what I've done thus far.
I'll also have hats and button jewelry for sale. Beyond that I don't think I can go. Not with grad school in full swing. :)
Jason has been working away on all things wooden. I am so proud of him. We are both mostly work, work, work right now. It's a tad exhausting, but it feels good to see what we've produced and to know we are working toward our goals.

A Quickie

2011-08-21T13:35:00.000-05:00

This is an unique spice rack from my parents. The spices in it were pretty old and so I discarded them and cleaned the whole thing.

And now use it for seed beads. These are beads I had in bags or which were not well contained, some of them were even among the assortment of gifts I received this year for my birthday.

Including this lovely tea service and a tray hand made by my husband. I am one lucky girl!!

My Man and His Tree

2011-07-31T09:50:00.000-05:00

Jason decided he needed to cut down a tree, by himself, with an ax. My Uncle Chris had offered for him to come and take wood from his property, so, that is what he did. He had plans for making a spring-pole lathe which began with a freshly chopped tree...

So he chopped.

And he chopped.

Then he chopped the other side.

I think he took it just a little bit farther than this before it started to fall.

But then it got hung up on a smaller tree. So we went inside to take a break and visit with family. It was 102 degrees outside, so I decided hanging out in the house for a while was wise. Meanwhile Jason got right back out there and began working on getting the smaller tree down.

When I came back his tree was down! The chopping up into smaller pieces was done with a chainsaw. But because of the heat, the gas kept boiling, so we would rest while the little machine cooled down.

Here you can see the loaded wood and other stuff. I was busy helping while we loaded and sawed the logs, so not surprisingly there are no pictures of those events. It was a hot day, and the work was hard, but now he can say he not only knows how to chop down a tree by hand, but has done so.

Since then, he has been working away and making his lathe, so perhaps soon, I will show you what his tree became.

Walking

2011-07-20T08:14:00.000-05:00

I'm four weeks in and still walking at least 4 days a week, the last two weeks I walked 5 days. I'm consistently walking 2 miles each day and have decided to keep it at that for a while. I had wanted to bump it up to 4 miles before school starts, and I think I will get up to 4 miles before the end of this year, but I know if I push too much right now it will be that much easier to quit.

I like the walk. There are a couple of spots where the air turns a bit putrid, but it is bearable and doesn't last. And it is completely worth it to walk among trees and to see all the different birds. It is incredible to me that so close to our house are birds that I never see in our yard. But there they are every morning, chirping and darting and being birds, not an apparent care in the world, not even when the bikes go zooming by with no warning.

I'm also eating about 4 small meals a day, sometimes three, but I try to aim for four. I am finding that for the most part I do have more energy and an overall better feeling about life. So I am going to stick with it and see what happens.

Spice Cabinets Part 1

2011-07-14T11:36:00.000-05:00

This is the watermelon stage.

Watermelon with doors.

Then I layered the paint.

Did a bit of sanding...

Put screens on the doors...

Sanding detail, also, we won't use that kind of wood for anything that needs detailed jigsaw work again...

It's basically done! Just need to put the hangers on it and hang it.

One of the first questions I wanted to answer about Spice Cabinets was about their origins. When was the first Cabinet used, by whom, and what did it look like? Strangely enough the answer to all of those is a bit illusive. I can find lots of information about the history of the Spice trade, but to find information about the history of Spice storage, that is going to require a bit more digging. But digging is good for me. I'm excited to spend a part of each day digging around and learning more about how to find this type of information. I remember learning to write a research paper in ENG 210, and thinking, this is fun, and kind of easy, just a lot to read. Well, now that I'm applying those skills to a subject which has received less press, and by press I mean the usual suspects, papers, journals and the like, I find that this is going to be tricky. I will need to read up on more than just Spice and Cabinets, but kitchens and valuables and how they were kept.

So, I will give you my assumptions thus far, based on what little I have found at this point. For instance, Spices have been used in so many ways in human history, as flavoring, medicine, perfume, and currency, to name a few. Have you noticed the similarities between the Spice Cabinets pictured and the medicine Cabinet found behind many a bathroom mirror? I don't have all the evidence that I want yet, but I think that there were several obvious reasons why Spices had to be kept separate. For one thing they are pungent, and need to be kept individually to retain their potency, so the storage had to have compartments. Before the industrial age, when bottles and canisters could be mass produced, it seems that drawers where a good way to keep them separate from each other and yet in the same box or Cabinet, so as to also keep them under lock and key. I'm finding some evidence that some still use drawers for their Spices, particularly in India.

Given that Spices were valuable, at one point in time a pound of peppercorns was worth nine fat cows. I know, a pound of peppercorns is a LOT of pepper, but nine fat cow's worth? The first part of the video linked below show us a reproduction of a Spice Cabinet from early America which has two secret compartments for other valuables. I have read in many historical novels about the butler, or head manservant having the key, or needing to obtain the key from his master, to the Spice Cabinet for the household. This makes me think that the information is attainable; surely they wouldn't just make that stuff up, right? (I am grinning a bit of a Cheshire grin about this idea).

The search continues, and as it does, I keep thinking about something much more abstract, and yet possibly just as interesting. What would we keep in our Spice Cabinets? I don't mean what Spices, but if we had a Spice Cabinet that contained at least representations of what we value as highly about our lives as those of old valued their Spices, what would be filling our Cabinets? There are so many ways to go with that. Spices are and were a physical commodity, so we could look at the physical "things" in our lives that we value. And those things might also be what add a bit of "Spice" to our lives. But what I keep going back to is, what about ourselves do we value? Our courage? Strength? Compassion? What attributes or character traits do we value about ourselves, and/or want to see more of in ourselves? And how would we represent them, if we could, in our own personal Spice Cabinet?

Spice Cabinet of Early America

Soon to be Suddenly Searching

2011-07-11T18:24:00.000-05:00

Originally I started this blog so that family and friends could keep up with all the wedding preparations, and it was called Soon to be Sinco. Then, once married, I called it Suddenly Sinco. After being married for a year I needed to change it again, because the Sinco was no longer Sudden. Searching seemed like a good idea because I am always searching, or researching, mostly for the fun of it. I would like this blog to be more about that. More about the things I want to research, or just learn more about. The problem is there are such a variety of things I study or try to learn about that I think going in that vein would be too jumbled. But, then, this blog is currently just about whatever is going on in my life, which can be pretty jumbled. So, here is one of the things I want to learn about, and yes, I'm starting with something very easy. :)

Spice Cabinets.

That is right, Spice Cabinets. The one on top is my first to design, and with LOTS of help from Jason, build. It is far from finished. My hope is that by the time I am ready to post pictures of the completed cabinet, I will also have more information to give you about them. Like, when did we start using them, and why? Just for starters.

I especially like that the last one is really being used as a spice cabinet, a crafting spice cabinet, but a spice cabinet none the less.

Can I type it one more time?

Spice Cabinet. (Yes, it makes a bit giddy.)

About My Summer

2011-07-05T08:59:00.000-05:00

It occurs to me that I sound, what, odd? Ridiculous? I get to take a nap everyday if I want to and I'm complaining or at least worried about this?

Yes, but not because I get to choose my ideal sleep schedule.

I am now not contributing to our household. Though I know what I contributed before was meager, it was something. So that is part of why I need to find some students. The other part is that I want to stay in the subject I study as much as I can. And while teaching piano, or music to children is not what I would like to do once I have my "career", it is something I can do now, and that I think I would enjoy doing now that will keep me in music, as opposed to, say, working at Dillons. Not that there would be anything wrong with that. A job is, after all, a job.

The other facet to this stone is that I haven't not had someplace to be or something to do on someone else's schedule for over a decade now, and I still feel weird not having someplace I need to be at a certain time. It is just for a few weeks. I must keep that in perspective too. :)

OK, enough about that. Next time perhaps I'll blog about why this blog is called Sinco Searching......perhaps.

My Summer

2011-07-04T22:00:00.000-05:00

This is my Summer.

Hopefully.

Each index card has the name of a project, I would like to finish all these projects this summer. So far my days go about like this: wake up at 6 am, do the usual morning stuff and go for a walk, right now I'm walking about 2 miles, I want to get that up to 4 by the end of August, then I do some yard work, followed by more morning stuff, then I make something, or clean something, or both. By 11 am I am ready for a nap, so when it's not in the mid to high 90's I go out and lay in the hammock and try to sleep until about 1 pm. Then I have a little time with Jason before he goes to work, and in the evening I try to do the noisier cleaning and creating. I try to fit in an hour or so everyday to do some online networking. I am trying to do what I can to promote our Etsy shop, as well as see what I can do to get some piano students.

When Jason told me that he wanted me to focus on getting students this summer and not try to find a part-time job someplace, I was not sure how well I would do with that. I have tried giving my self a schedule and tasks. So far so good. It's been a week or so and I'm not crazy yet, so this might work...

Another June Passing

2011-07-01T12:19:00.002-05:00

This past month marked the first full year after Grammy's death. It also marked 20 years after Grandpa's death.

Unexpectedly though, this past June someone I thought so highly of, who I have spent many happy hours with, has died. Debbie Blanchard was one of the strongest women I've met. She was so full of life and light. Her joy and laughter were fierce and contagious. I find it a bit ironic that one of the things she was so adamant about, self-respect, was ultimately the reason for our so infrequent contact the last five years. Once I started to take back my self-respect and power, I realized I had to put some distance between myself and the person that brought Debbie and I together. I am sorry for that. I have wished many times that I had tried harder to keep the connection with Debbie current. I wish so even more now.

Debbie was an avid photographer. Her photos have been published and she was active in local photographers groups. She did everything with such gusto! I used to be on her and Jim's team in the bowling league. What fun that was! I will also never forget all the times we'd sit at the table and drink wine and eat cheeses and such and talk, just talk and talk. And of course laugh ourselves silly. Or the time she called seemingly out of the blue to see if I wanted to go with her and Jim on a Missouri wine tour. We just drove around in the country stopping at three or four different wineries and sampling their wines.

There are so many things about her to remember and love. Her jungle of house plants! But also I remember how much Jim adored her! My heart breaks for him. I hope fervently, and feel pretty sure having met many of their friends, that he will have friends there for him at every turn. She has left behind many many grieving hearts. How could we not grieve the loss of such a force of nature? But knowing Deb, she also wouldn't want us to sit around driveling. She would be glad to know that she has left us with so many things to celebrate about her life. She never hesitated to share her loves and passions with those around her, I intend to do the same. This life should be enjoyed to the fullest possible, and that joy should be shared.

Thank you Debbie, for being the strong, independent, and hilarious woman that I knew, you are missed and shall be for years and years to come.

It was GREAT!

2011-06-28T09:18:00.002-05:00

On the second to the last day of our vacation, Jason's parents took us to the ball game. :) I have become quite the Cardinals fan since my first Springfield Card's game two years ago. We had a good time, and that game was the first win after a 7 loss streak! I think we gave them luck, Linda made me a Cardinal's bracelet which I wore to the game, as well as the following day when we watched the game while enjoying a cook out at their house, and they won again. :) On 64 as we were headed to VA we saw signs for a Santa Claus, IN. I was teasing Jason that we were going to have to stop and have the vacation there. I was thrilled when he suggested that we really do stop there on our way back through to IL! It was fun for the novelty of it. We went to the Christmas store and stopped and took this photo. Then we went on to a flea market in the town on the other side of the exit! Our vacation was all about family and flea markets. Two of our favorite things! I am so glad we went. It was hard to come home. It was hard to drive away from my sister. But here we are back in the swing of things. I am doing my best to stay busy and accomplish good things while not "working". I will post more about that later, but I don't want to jump the gun. :)

Vacation, Oh, you are lovely!

2011-06-15T19:36:00.002-05:00

I love these kids. I didn't take enough pictures of them. Not nearly enough. Certainly not enough to last me another year, which is how long it has been since I'd last seen them. If I were to make one complaint about my sister it would be that there are not enough pictures of her genius children. But now that I've spent a week with them and it's fresh in my mind I can appreciate the sheer lack of time for playing photographer! They are so full of life and so smart! And into just about everything. I love them so much. I wish I could see them everyday, or at least once a week. The more time I spend with them and the more I get to know them the more I want to know them, and the more time I want to spend with them.

Even though she doesn't always see it, my sister is doing a great job, I am bursting with pride for her!!! It was so hard to leave Monday morning. Jason had to drive because he could tell I was going to cry. He was right, I still tear up thinking about it. One year is just too too long to go without seeing them. I was glad that we were there for Doug's homecoming, it had been more than a year since I got to see him! The only person we were lacking was dad.

I was mistaken in my previous post about when dad is having tests done. It will be this Friday. I know he will be glad when mom is back home from Virginia and they can enjoy her retirement!

Today was our first full day in Illinois. We are staying with Jason's family for a few days before getting home. This whole trip has been so relaxing and a joy. Tomorrow we get to go to the botanical gardens!!! I can't wait!

Trip

2011-06-10T08:24:00.003-05:00

I am having a great time in VA. It is so good to spend time with my sister!! I miss her so much and someday we will live closer, we will. I am so impressed by her homemakery and mothering, I know in a way I shouldn't be, we were raised well, but still, she has three super energy noise makers running around all the time and yet her house is clean and they are clean, and despite all the excess -- or so it seems to me -- energy very well behaved and just plan good kids. I know I'm biased, get over it.

Driving through West Virginia was incredible, I have decided that is where I want to live. Hands down the best place I have ever seen, including pictures and movies of places I haven't been....well, there is Ireland....

Anyway, driving with my mom and husband was fun. We listened to music and stopped at all the visitors centers for free maps, and generally had a great time.

I got two bits of disturbing news last night. Garrison, the older of the boys I babysat, fell off his bike and broke his femur. He is in surgery this morning. I know this sort of thing happens all the time, and that Meredith and John are very capable and they have plenty of friends and family there, but I wish I could be there none the less.

Then got an email from my dad that he's been having chest pain and is having tests done today for it. Gah!! It's been strange to be on a trip like this without dad, and I know he misses us. I wish I could be in two places at once. What am I writing, I wish I could be in three or four places at once.

All in all though, this has been a lovely trip and we are not done yet!

Yesterday

2011-06-04T08:31:00.002-05:00

I spent yesterday thinking about Grammy. It had been a year since she died. I thought about that day one year ago and about all the days that followed... I thought about all the times with her as a child and as a teenager living with her... I thought about all the things she always encouraged me to be... I thought about blogging about her. Wrote another poem, edited ones I had already writ. Read poems by my favorite poet, and even played the piano. At the end of the day though, I talked to my husband. I hope I never loose sight of what a gift that is, what a gift he is.

Now, I am going to garden and watch the birds and spend the day getting ready for our two week trip east. In three short days I will be hugging my sister!!!

5 1/2 Years of Wonder

2011-05-27T18:47:00.002-05:00

Today was my last day to babysit for the Taylors as their regular five day a week babysitter. This is so much harder than graduating college. For the past few weeks I have found myself reminiscing about the boys as babies, and toddlers, the pre-talking days, pre-walking days, trying to get G to do tummy time everyday, his love of the mirror, doing everything I could to keep T awake during the day in those first few weeks of his life...

I was glad to have finals to focus on. But the last two weeks I think I've just been blocking it out. Now, here I am, home from the last day. Five and a half years that have changed my life for the better in so many ways. It was Meredith's encouragement that I consider going back to college that got me from thinking about it to taking those first steps. When Meredith first emailed me to ask if I would be willing to babysit for her I had no idea that would be the beginning of such a true and deep friendship.

I am sure in the coming weeks I will write more about this. I know that it is for the best that I take the summer to possibly obtain some piano students and rest before beginning grad school. I don't regret this decision, not entirely. I guess today I regret it, I can't imagine my life without such frequent regular contact and interaction with the Taylor family. And now I must go and cry over dinner. Good tears, only good tears.

Graduamated

2011-05-16T08:17:00.003-05:00

Above is a picture of the hammock my husband made. Not only did he make the frame, he MADE the hammock. I had mentioned that I wanted one for my birthday, but he decided I shouldn't have to wait that long, and by then there wouldn't be as much hammock time left. Now I have a whole summer of hammock time!! This was a complete surprise to me, he had been working on something, but I didn't expect this! He probably doesn't know it, but he's continuing a tradition of surprising me with the gift of a hammock which my papa started back when I had my first big garden. :)

So, the grades have not yet been tallied, and the diploma is not yet in the mail, but I am in fact done with my undergraduate work! I am enrolled in the MSU master of music program majoring in theory, slated to begin in the fall. I never heard back from North Texas about my application there, and we had a lot of things to plan one way or the other... so we are going to stay at least another year.

It has been a strange feeling to look back and see all that has changed since I started. I am blown away by the way life works sometimes.

So many people in my life have been there for me over the years, encouraging me and telling me I can do this, even though I'm an "older" student, and haven't cared about getting a degree in my life. I am so grateful to have such supportive a loving people in my life!

Finals.... dun dun dunnnn

2011-05-11T09:36:00.002-05:00

This is one of my attempts at taking a picture of my new hair cut. I like it curly best. This is likely the shortest my hair has ever been. There are a lot of things I like about it. But I think I will let it grow out again now. We shall see. I've had about three years with shorter hair, and now I might be ready to let it get long again... time will tell.

I am half way through my finals. It has sunk in at last that I am truly going to graduate. By tomorrow afternoon I will be done with my last final and barring any unforeseen catastrophe my career as an undergrad will be complete. I have been accepted to the graduate school at MSU and plan to start work on an MM in music theory in the fall. This summer will begin with a road trip to see my sister and her family. I hope to find a part time job somewhere. But all in all it is looking like a relaxing summer. I am a little freaked out. It's been a long time since I haven't had to be somewhere or be doing something for school or a job, I don't know what I'll do with myself. I will apply all over the place though, so maybe I won't have to worry about it for too long. :)

And now, back to the books!

May Day!

2011-05-01T08:07:00.002-05:00

It's here, May! At last. I love this month! Some of my favorite people were born in this month, Grammy and Helen, just to name a couple. And this May I will graduate. I'm still in shock about this. It is strange, I've been working toward this for nearly five years, and I think knowing that I'm not done even though I am is why I don't know how to feel. I have been accepted to the graduate music program at MSU, and will begin in the fall. That degree will take another two years, and after that I will either apply to do more graduate work, or start working toward a doctorate somewhere. So I have easily 6 more years before I will feel like I'm "done".

But this is a mile stone. Not a small thing. I am not trying to make light of it. I just don't feel like I can take my eyes off that end goal, or the fact that I'll be back at it in a couple months.

I have four more days of classes, then the last final is on the 12th, which is Grammy's birthday. I had wanted to go visit her grave that day, and I may still, we shall see. In so many ways I wish I had done this while she was still completely with us. She always said she was proud of me. Even when I finked out about going to college the first time around. She also always said she would dance at my wedding, as I would protest that there would never be a wedding. She was so right about so many things.

So, in less than two weeks I'll be over a huge hurtle, closing a chapter, and celebrating this accomplishment. Then just over two weeks after that, I will be on my way to visit my sister!!! I can't wait!!

4/21/11

2011-04-22T10:17:00.003-05:00

Thought I would share part of my day yesterday.

It is raining now, yet

Earlier today when it was

Sunny and warm I worked

In the garden.

Weeding and mowing

Trimming and listening

To the wind in the trees

And the bird songs.

At one point I stopped

To sit and rest watch

The birds especially the

Robins going after

The worms I had disturbed.

The sun was warm on

My face as I sat there and

Wept for grief of the loss

Of the one who taught

Me best how to appreciate

Being outside with the birds.

I am accepting now that

I will never cease to miss

Her and must learn how best

To live with the longing.

So I will cry unashamedly

When the moment strikes

Home and I will talk about

Her to anyone who will Listen.

She would love

This backyard, love sitting

Watching the birds and

Feeling the sun's warmth.

Gettin' Creative

2011-04-15T09:00:00.002-05:00

Above are three examples of the creativity that has been happening in my world lately. I have been using this as a way to stay motivated to study. I can only work on fun stuffs after a certain amount of book work is done. It's working pretty well so far, and if you look to the right of my blog you will see there are things in our Etsy shop again!!

I still have some papers to write and tests to take, but starting next Thursday I have four days in a row of absolutely no school. And I'm working hard between now and then to make sure I don't have any homework I have to do either. A real break. Imagine that!

Less than a month now until I'm done with the undergrad side of things. No word yet from MSU or UNT, so keep your fingers crossed!

A Rough Draft

2011-04-10T08:24:00.005-05:00

Wrote this on Friday. Friday started out as an awesome day, the weather was great (I don't know what happened, but most of this original post is gone. I still have the poem though, so I will keep working on it, and perhaps post a better draft next week!)

I have a wild hair-

Correction, I have a million wild hairs

Each one of them crawling

In its own direction

It is Spring

Yes, Spring with a capitol S

My yard is a wash of yellow and green

The birds sound happy again

And there is no recession

Of beauty and growth

No recession of love

Of peace and the prosperity

Of friendships and days full

Of laughter and wonder

This is a day when the wind

Is finally warm

Every wild hair on my head

Reaches out to catch that

Wind and let it take them

Where it will. They will me

With the force of their

Numbers to listen to the

Fleetingness of not knowing

Where it started or where it

Ends, but of continuing

On and on, an eternity of

Knowing that truth cannot

Be held in any one person's

Hand, and that athe same

Time it can only be held in

tEach person's self.

2011-04-10T08:24:00.004-05:00

Hold on Tight

2011-04-03T07:36:00.002-05:00

Yesterday I made a calendar to hang on the garage door in the kitchen. It is eight weeks long, beginning tomorrow and going through the month of May. Jason asked me to write out all the things I have going on so he knows what to expect, and I think so he can help me to stay focused. I am struggling to focus.

The sun is shining, the birds are singing, the garden wants me to work in it, there is a room full of projects just waiting for me to come and begin or finish them. These are the things I want to fill my time doing.

Not writing papers. Not reading for school. Not preparing for exit exams.

But this week I will give two presentations, turn in two papers, and take two exit exams.

I should be worried about the general exam, but I don't have time. I will take it and do as well as I do. The music exam is the one I want to ace, which means brushing up on my ear training, among other things.

On top of all of this, I have 5, count them, no, 6 choir rehearsals in the next two weeks, and will attend approx. 7 recitals.

So, you can see why he wanted a calendar.

I expect to hear back from the two remaining schools in the next couple weeks. I received letters from WashU, Virginia, and North Carolina, all along the lines of thank you but we can't accept everyone who applies... I'm not surprised. A little disappointed, but two of those are VERY hard to get into. So, we wait. Limbo is not something I do well, but I have to wonder if anyone does it very well.

That is about all I have right now. It is time to get back to it. I do enjoy what I'm doing. I like the papers I get to write, and I am blessed to have good professors who care about their students. In some ways I will miss being an undergrad, and if we move, I will definitely miss this school.

It Be Cold

2011-03-25T08:44:00.003-05:00

So far so good. I have not had sugar - save the night we celebrated our anniversary. Honey however, is great on toast and oatmeal and yogurt, and goes very nicely with cinnamon. My new goal is to be exercising everyday. 2-3x a week is fine for starters, but I think it is time to step it up. Walking is generally the easiest, but I don't like cold and wet, which is the state of things today. So I will take advantage of ye old DVD's and netflicks and see what I can come up with.

There are just 6 weeks of actual class left. SIX. In that six weeks I must write 6 papers, take 6 tests, and give a presentation, that is not including the two exit exams I am required to take. Life is going to be quite full. It will be strange to be done though. I still know nothing about two of the colleges I applied to for grad school. We are keeping our minds open to all possible outcomes, but this waiting and wondering is hard on the nerves.

Exercise is supposed to help with stress. I guess I'll find out. :)

Oh, Happy Day

2011-03-21T21:47:00.003-05:00

I made the above for Jason's last birthday. He hung it up in the bedroom where he will see it when he first wakes up everyday.

Two years ago I married a man who loved me in a way I didn't think I could be loved, or even wanted to be loved. But once I knew his love, I knew I would never want or need any other. Today and everyday I am full of gratitude for him and his love, and I am excited about what our future will be. Because whatever it is, as long as we are together, life will be good.

Happy Anniversary Baby!

Luckiest Girl

2011-03-17T09:13:00.002-05:00

It's true. Jason made this for me. There is a pin on the back, so you better believe I'll be wearing this today!

Jason and I had a talk. He has been concerned about my lack of energy and general not doing too well since I've been on this macrobiotic thing. I have lost about 8lbs, but he tends to think that has more to do with the exercise, and I agree. So after most of 5 weeks I am going to say SO LONG to macrobiotics!

I am going to stay sugar free and avoid highly processed foods. I am going to up my activity and try to spend a significant part of each day exercising.

I gave it a try, not the full six months I was shooting for, but I'm not going to focus on that. Instead, I'm going to be smart and keep eating regular healthful meals and see what happens.

Happy St. Patrick's Day!! This is my favorite holiday. I hope you have a great day today, wherever you are.

Daylight Savings

2011-03-13T07:20:00.002-05:00

Fun times, this saving the daylight.

I am seriously considering changing two things about my diet. Mostly for the sake of my sanity. This bit about not having bread, or any leavening agents is ridiculous. I think so long as there is no sugar or refined grains I should have bread. Not a lot. Maybe set a limit of two slices a day. I'm thinking about it. The other thing is yogurt. I had fake cheese this week with some vegetarian chili, I think in a pinch that will work for the next 5 months. But, I would like some yogurt, there are only so many times I can substitute with tofu. Yes.

It has been one month.

I haven't been 100% faithful the whole time, (lemonades and such) but I've done pretty good and I am getting better at it all the time. I can't wait for the farmers market to get going. It will also be good to know for sure if we are staying or not, because if we are we can get the garden going!

No, I didn't post a picture yesterday. And I'm not posting one today. I'm not that kind of blogger I guess. School starts up with abandon tomorrow and I must be ready. This is the point in the semester when I must hold on to my hat and pay attention. Everything is due, there are tests every time I turn around, and then it will be over. SNAP. Just like that. I am amazed at how quickly April arrives and zooms by!

I'll let you know what I decide about the bread and yogurt.

Ran Out of Steam

2011-03-11T09:38:00.002-06:00

I thought I would post pictures everyday this week. So much for thinking. I ran out of steam yesterday and spent some time just watching a show with my husband and then went to bed.

Here are a couple flowers I made from -- well, I 'll let you guess what I used to make them.

Sugar

2011-03-09T20:00:00.002-06:00

In this the forth week of trying to eat the macrobiotic way I am lethargic. I think that's the best way to put it. I want to sleep all the time. I've been sleeping this week more than usual. I can go to bed when I want and sleep and sleep, but I still find myself wanting to just sit and do nothing, or sleep and sleep some more. I don't know why. I think I am going to try and force myself to exercise everyday, like taking my medicine everyday.

I feel a physical need for certain things I don't need. Like caffeine and sugar. Sugar is the worst. I didn't get rid of all the sugar in the house, and have had the occasional spoonful. But that spoonful has never made me feel better for long. So I try reading, or watching a show. I am getting rid of the white and brown sugar tonight and am resolved.

I drink water, and keep cold herbal tea in the fridge. I also have juice. I have found that the tea makes a lot of difference, and that sometimes just having some hot tea when I think I need coffee distracts me from that craving so I can do whatever I need to do.

But I am bothered by my lack of motivation to do much. I was shocked at how well I worked last night. I got that room done, and am anxious to get in there and organize the bead drawers. I hope this lasts. I hope I can keep this up and that it makes a difference.

This is my art journal. It is great for experimenting with colors and techniques. I started this sometime before Christmas, I am not done, in fact I have added to it since I took this picture last night. I will post another when it is done.

Getting Things Done

2011-03-09T01:36:00.002-06:00

Jason pointed out to me that I keep posting pictures of the room all a mess or just cleaned up, but few pictures of what I do that gets the room messy in the first place. Above is just one of many, I will post pictures hopefully everyday this week of things I've made. I made the above with the girls one of the days we had craft time. This is where I do most of my work. I like having all these things so close to hand, and it is no problem to put the sewing machine on the table and get busy! These drawers hide a world of mess. I still need to go through the top three and get them organized, but at least I can see the top and everything has a place. Jason found these shelves for me last time we were at Mike's, a neat antique mall not far from here. The bottom shelf is actually a cedar trunk sans lid. It was $20, Jason made shelves for it, and I love it!! The top one was white and filthy, I cleaned it and painted it. They now hold most of my fabric, yes, I have purged that much. Much, much better. What is more, I know I can finish the semester strong now that I don't have this messy room pulling at me to come and clean rather than just do a small project or part of a project and then get back to work!

I want to write about the diet changes and how it's affecting my life. But I think that will wait till tomorrow.

Spring Break

2011-03-06T23:35:00.003-06:00

It is sinking in that I have a week off from school. Crazy, but great!! I intend to read a book for fun, clean the house, and once again, clean the study, or my craft room. Whatever name you give it, the room needs help...

...as you can clearly see.

These are before pictures which should help me to finish it.

Week three down. Big sigh. I can do this. I am doing this.

I Caved

2011-03-03T20:06:00.002-06:00

Today I caved and got a decaf iced soy late. It was gross. I dumped it out after two sips. Tasted like burnt rubber and acid. So much for sorta cheating now and then. It is the real stuff or nothing for me. Back to the grind.

Next week is spring break from school, which will be cool, I can sleep in everyday if I want. :)

Coach Marcus made me promise to do some walking over the break. I'm looking forward to it. I'm hoping for some beautiful days at the Nature Center.

Doing It

2011-02-26T11:04:00.002-06:00

Today it has been two weeks since I had coffee. Or chocolate. I have had a little sugar, but by little I mean in two weeks I've had three lemonades. I have had no poultry, no beef either. I have eaten regularly everyday, a minimum of three times. I also, have lost 5lbs. Which could be water weight. But I feel good about it.

I miss coffee. I have accepted that I will likely pine for it the whole of the next 5 1/2 months, but I am fine with that.

I need to drink more water, and do more exercise on a daily basis. So I will work on that for the next couple of weeks.

I can do this. I am doing this.

Dizzy

2011-02-21T20:02:00.002-06:00

I have found that at the end of the day I get a bit dizzy. I think it is just that I am adjusting to the newness of this diet. I think too, that the barometric pressure has something to do with it.

Some of my friends and I are working our way through a book called "Walking In This World". It is meant to be done in 12 weeks, one chapter a week. We had started this book a while back and didn't finish, for various reasons. Now, though I think we will finish and it will be good. This last week was about finishing things, breaking up the blockage in our brains and lives, so we can move forward productively. There are so many things I would like to finish. So many drawers I want to organize, knitting projects for myself that I never work on, ideas for things to sew and put on etsy, papers I should start working on for school, meals I should plan for the rest of this week and some of next, this list could likely go on without end.

Then I think, hey, I am finishing something. Something big. I'm going to graduate in May. That's huge. And strange. Weird, beyond description. Yet true. Unless I let other things get in the way. I have one really huge thing to finish right now, my bachelors degree.

What with all the health issues, car issues, blizzard, and so forth happening this semester, I feel like I've got off that track a bit. I know my marriage comes first, and that my health and school are second. All these other things need to be put firmly in their place!

Eh, did any of that make sense? Who knows, I'm too dizzy to tell. HA!

Finishing the First Week

2011-02-18T12:02:00.003-06:00

So much has happened this week. Much of it has been sad. My dad's cousin lost her little boy in a fire. He was five, and such a joy. I only spent a small amount of time with him in his short life, but he was always such a dear and a sweet, sweet boy. My dad has been with the family all week. My heart aches for them. I don't have children of my own, but I do love certain children like they were my own, my nephew and nieces, and the boys I babysit. It feels so wrong when children die. I hope we can cling to the memories, and find peace in not waisting the life we have to live. Every year on my cousin Matt's birthday I think about how old he'd be, and wonder what he would be doing. If he would have children, what sort of woman he would have married, whether he'd be far away on the mission field, or somewhere in the states. I remember that when he died we would tell stories about how he was in heaven playing basketball, waiting for the rest of us to join him.

This has been the background music to my week.

I am still caffeine free. Though I did have some sugar and some dairy this week, I have stuck with it.

I have a wonderful husband, beautiful home, solid support system, am about done with my bachelors, and have no good reason not to make the most, the absolute most, of every moment.

This Week, There will be cheese.

2011-02-14T10:07:00.003-06:00

Yes, there will. I didn't use up what was in the fridge before yesterday, so I'm giving myself that one for this week, I will use it up and that will be that. For a few months. I'm thinking I need something to look forward to when I'm trying not to kill everyone in sight. But maybe the no coffee thing won't be as bad as I think it will. Maybe.

I'm stocked up on three different types of brown rice, pearl barley, lentils, quinoa, polenta, and wheat berries. I also have lots of veggies ready to go and made a delicious soup yesterday which will be good today and tomorrow. Trying to figure out what to take with me to eat at school. Found some dehydrated veggies at Mama Jeans that were yummy, and not too much cash, so that should work most days.

Not much to report today. Went to PED and worked out, that is becoming interesting. I can feel the difference in my back and legs. Still not willing to jog in front of everyone yet, but I try to walk about as fast as some of them jog... We shall see.

Beauty and the Beast!

2011-02-13T12:29:00.002-06:00

My darling, wonderful, romantic, husband surprised the b'jeebers out of me last night. We went to Little Tokyo for dinner, which is where we went on our first date, and I thought for sure we would be going home afterward. We also had planned to do a no-power night, turn every thing off and use the fire place for heat and candles and flashlights for light. So I was thinking about going home and getting ready for that. Then we get in the truck and he opens the glove box and pulls out a bag with a card in it. I open the envelope and the card is Disney's Belle, awe, I think, he's so cleaver to know my favorite Disney cartoon. Then I open the card, Angela Lansbury sings as I see that he has paper-clipped two tickets to see the Broadway show that night at Juanita K.!!! I was in shock! And so excited!! We went and it was wonderful, magical, and I didn't care a wink that I was as giddy, if not more giddy than all the little girls running around in their princess costumes!

The no-power night was a success, and now he is getting a little more sleep in the real bed before waking up for work. (we used the air mattress in the living room to be close to the fire!)

In other news I'm starting an adventure of sorts. I don't want to bore anyone with the details just yet, but I will be on a macrobiotic diet for the next six months. Until my 32nd birthday. At that point I will be reassessing and see whether or not to stick with it in all its strickness, or to start to loosen up a bit and work on having a balanced diet I can live with long term. This means that for the next six months, no caffeine, no sugar, no refined or processed foods, no chicken, no dairy, and little to no red meat. This is just the tip of it, the harsh part of it. I truly feel like I need to get everything back in balance. The pendulum has been way off to one side for a long time. I think it needs some time way off on the other side before it can swing to the center and have a hope of staying there. I will likely be using this blog to keep track of how this is going, and as a means of accountability for me. I haven't decided if I'll try that whole checking in everyday with what I ate that day thing, or something else. But it will be something.

OK, now I'm off to get this thing started!

Snow Week!! What?

2011-02-05T17:50:00.004-06:00

Jason made this shelf for me to my specifications. I adore it!!! And used the snow week to decorate it! Lined the inner walls with fabric and stained the inner frame with purple, the outer walls with a shimmery toupy brown. Each drawer is full of treasure I use to make treasure! I added some trim, which I made by braiding coordinating yarns I had. All of these things I already had on hand, even the paint!! It was so much fun to create this. It is a work in progress, I think I want to do more to the fronts of the shelves, but that can wait.

So, the Dr. visit went well. The sonogram showed that I have small polyps and a couple small fibroids. Nothing to worry about. We are waiting to find out about getting a blood test to see if I have Factor V Leiden as it is on both sides of my family. If I don't have it then I could go on a low dose birth control to regulate things. If I do have it, I could start on progesterene to regulate things.

I have done a bit of research on my own and know that I don't want a D&C, which is what the Dr. said he usually does in cases like mine, unless I absolutely must. I also don't want to take hormones. What I have found is that I might be able to get things back on track and in sync with diet (Macrobiotic is what I'm looking at) and moderate exercise. I say moderate because with heavy bleeding it seems important not to strain things, but at other times would be fine to do as much as I can. So, I'm still looking into it, but I think this is the route I will go. I think it will be a matter of making drastic changes for six months to a year, then gradually introducing other foods, like coffee and red meat, if all has gone well with the changes.

I understand the necessity of adopting a diet that can be maintained for a lifetime, but I also know things are drastically out of wack, so perhaps drastic measures are in order. We shall see.

Doesn't seem like enough of the semester has happened for there to be any tests or papers coming up, but there are! So I will get to it.

Snow Day

2011-02-01T11:04:00.002-06:00

Yep. I get a snow day! I do wish Jason got a snow day too, but I respect him for working so hard, and so honestly. Blizzard, here, and what I'm seeing doesn't look anything like the blizzards of my imagining. I especially remember my mom reading the "Little House" books and Laura describing some real blizzards, serious snow. I am so grateful to have a warm and safe house to stay in and do some baking, cleaning, and crafting. I may do some homework. May do it. :)

It really is beautiful, this snow. I have the urge to go outside and play like a little kid. When I was a kid, we had those radiator things for heat in the house. It was great to go out and play till we were beat and then come in and put all our snowy wet things on and under the radiator in the dinning room. Mom would make soup and grilled cheese. Those were the days!

I haven't been posting much lately. I actually considered cancelling this blog altogether. But, I think I'm just nervous. Waiting for the next Dr. visit and to see what is wrong and what can be done about it. When they don't just come out and tell you that you don't need to worry about it being something serious it's hard to not worry. Friday I go in for my appointment. I think it will be something simple and we will just treat it with meds for a while and then I'll be fine. But until the Dr. tells me that is for sure what's going on, I'm going to be anxious. And just accepting that, and not telling myself that I'm an idiot, or selfish for being worried when there's not concrete reason to be worried, is what I need to do. So, I'm worried. Hopeful, but worried.

And enjoying the snow. :)

Overwhelmed

2011-01-16T09:34:00.002-06:00

This past week was a cold one. The first part of the week we had days where the temperature literally did good to get to 14. My poor 17 year-old car didn't like this. To be specific the transmission didn't like it. On Thursday, January 13 she finally gave up the ghost, or whatever it is cars give up.

Jason has been telling me to figure out what type of car I want for that day when I need to get a new one, for months, more than a year perhaps. I have some money saved for a car. I picked out several that I liked, but it wasn't until recently that I realized that the kind I want and what I can afford with what I have saved don't match, not even a little bit. We checked around in cities outside the Springfield radius, within Springfield the prices are high, absurdly so. But I still haven't saved enough.

My lovely Toyota Camry wagon has been good to me. My sister had her before me. I've had her for almost 7 years. The longest I've had any car. I slept in that car, more than once. That car was a safe place when I didn't think I had one more times than I can count. I didn't realize how attached I was until this week. It's just a car. But it isn't. There are memories attached to that car -- I was driving that car when Abby called to tell me that Grammy had died. I drove away from bad times in that car. There are a lot of good and bad memories. That car was my independence for so long.

I named her, my sis had named her Draco, but she hadn't read Harry Potter. It was from the movie Dragonsomething and just means dragon. So I renamed her Lady Jane Dragonfly. Naming cars is something our friend Helen taught us and I am likely never going to stop doing it. I am unashamedly sentimental about a myriad of things only some of which make any kind of "sense".

Jason's parents made us an offer which I cannot refuse. I am so grateful to them. We had gone to a few car places. We had actually talked with a car salesman and I sat inside a new car. The whole thing was pretty stressful for me. I has thought that I would be giving Lady Jane to a friend of mine and picking out the car I wanted, or something very close to it. I didn't think she would just be dead and too far gone to warrant the money to fix. So when Joe and Linda offered for us to basically buy Linda's car for a song, the relief I felt was immense. No, a Buick isn't on the list of cars I want, but this car is in good condition, has only had two owners and we know them both. This car will be a dependable ride for a few years and in that time I can save up enough to get the car I want without the stress of being forced into a decision I don't want to make in the first place.

And now I will tell you that, while this is the most prominently stressful thing which has happened this week, it isn't the only stressful thing, or even the most overall stressful thing of the past week. Life is full of challenges; my life is full of people helping me meet those challenges. I am so blessed. I am so grateful.

The Value of Why

2011-01-10T21:56:00.002-06:00

It has occurred to me recently that I don't ask why enough. I sometimes over answer the question when I'm asked, yet when I need to voluntarily explain why I fail to.

I baby sit a five-year-old who starting in his forth year asked why in response to almost everything he was told, at least what I told him. I did my best to give him real answers. But sometimes I found myself saying "Because I told you", or "It just is". Why? Because I was sure more than half the time he was asking why because he didn't know what else to say, or because he didn't like my first answer. So then I started reminding him to think first, not to just say why when he was frustrated with me or didn't like the answer, because I want to answer him when he really doesn't understand something, but if he says why all the time I'm going to stop answering him. He seemed to get that. Sometimes I feel sorry for he and his brother, I have such a backwards way of saying things on a good day, and they have to put up with me most days, good, bad, and otherwise.

I digress.

Often.

So many misunderstandings, frustrations, and blow ups in life could be avoided if we just stop and ask why. I don't mean we should expect other people to explain things to us, but that we make the effort to show them that we want to understand, or simply that we don't understand. What are we afraid of? Looking stupid? Speaking only for myself, I'd have to say it's a bit late for that. Being embarrassed or embarrassing someone else? That may happen, but isn't that better than loosing a friend?

I guess spending all that time in the truck on the road last week gave me time to ponder.

It takes guts to ask why. You have to be ready to hear the answer. So I'm not advocating random why's, or thoughtless explorations, but I do think in my life I'm going to ask why of myself as often as I can. I don't want to wander around this life. No I don't.

:)

2011-01-05T19:52:00.002-06:00

Am traveling with my husband. So the listening log is happening, but posting them will be later. Having a good time with family though!!

As Promised

2010-12-30T06:33:00.003-06:00

So this time last year I was seriously thinking that I would read all of Dickens in the year 2010. A friend even offered to read them with me and we got going pretty good I thought. But I soon realized that I wanted to read/research Dickens more than I wanted to do school work and that there really wasn't enough time for both. I don't like to admit it, but Dickens isn't something I can read for fun before bed. I need a less wordy companion for that, and when school is on I don't have time for much other reading. Lesson learned.

Sort of.

(I love that the program for this blog doesn't have grammar editing, I hate being told how many times I write a fragment! grrrr.)

This semester I will have no music classes. No piano lessons. I will be in choir once a week and attending recitals and convo's, but not studying music (Dr. Webb would not agree, choir is studying music...and he's right, but still...). This past semester I had 20th century music literature. It was a great class. We were required to do a listening log. I think mine was abysmal, but that is beside the point. I had done this in one other music lit class with the same professor and enjoyed it, I tried, that first time, to use it to listen to music I would not normally listen to. I listen to a variety of classical music for pleasure and must admit to a certain amount of complacency. Don't get me wrong, I do have a tendency to analyse what I'm listening to more often than not, even the pop stuff I enjoy, but when listening to instrumental music, or art music (I prefer this term), I have a definite bias. Piano, piano, piano, and yes, some more piano. Symphonies and concertos are in there too, but mostly solo piano music, and even the non keyboard art music CD's I own are composers most famous for their piano music.

This is not necessarily a bad thing, if I were interested in being some sort of piano repertoire expert, or wanted to only ever be a casual listener. However, I have higher aspirations, as always. So, rather than set myself up for shame thinking I'll stick with academic extra curricular activity for a year, I'm just going to try for a semester. I want to keep my finger in it so to speak. I have no idea what the future holds. Applications have been submitted, and fingers are crossed, but who knows? I may graduate this spring and need to find a job at Price Cutter. I may be accepted to grad school in another state, I may stay at MSU. Any of those things will be fine. But one thing I do know is that I want to continue to study music my whole life. So I want to develop a habit.

To that end I am going to start a listening log right here. Once a week, usually on Sunday morning, as that was the time I sent aside this past semester to work on grad app stuff and it didn't cut into other studies much, I will post the piece of music and what I find out about it. I'll do what I can to keep it on the level, meaning I will not be likely to ever cite Wikipedia. Rather, I will use the resources I've learned about in class and have at my disposal as a student. I'm not going to set up any kind of chronology or plan. In fact, if you are still reading this and would like to know more about a piece of music, any music, comment and let me know what it is, I might use that for an entry.

When I can I will include a link to the music, or perhaps find a way to upload mp3's from my computer.

That will be all for now.

Eclipse

2010-12-27T15:03:00.003-06:00

Well, they are in reverse somehow, but above are some of the better ones of the pictures I took of the eclipse a week ago. It was chilly, but I wore my wool cape and slippers and sat on the bench my husband had made and enjoyed the show. This is at least the second eclipse I've seen, the first was when I was 12, or was it 13? Maybe younger, and it was my birthday.... anyway,we went to the outdoor theater in St. Louis to see Debbie Reynolds in the Unsinkable Molly Brown and she actually stopped the show to have the audience turn around and watch the eclipse! I'll never forget it! This time it happened on my niece's birthday! The winter solstice, Dec. 21, Iris is 6 now, absolutely crazy how fast those kids are growing! I'm so proud of them!

Shameless plug: I've added a new blog to the list on the right--> Abby is Melting, my cousin has begun a powerful journey and is sharing it with the world. I'm so proud of her, and inspired by her.

Soon, I will be writing about two things which I intend to do with this blog over the next few weeks. But for now, I must go to the library.

More to do...

2010-12-22T12:31:00.002-06:00

Well another semester is over! I did pretty well, five A's, not too shabby I guess. Also got my sis' family Christmas in the mail in time to reach them for the holidays!! Thanks very much to my husband, who is always helpful and easily keeps me motivated and on track. I've been sewing and crafting and baking up a storm this week, and there is still more to do.....

Colored Glass

2010-12-06T07:17:00.004-06:00

There are a plethora of smalls ways I try to be like her.

Seeing the beauty in the simplicity of colored glass vessels,

Light shining through them, their shape distorting the images seen through them,

These are simple pleasures, simple beauties.

I miss her so much, I have missed her for so long.

Knowing that I will now always miss her

Is sometimes too much to bear.

So I will always have stories for the children,

Always have something for them when they or I visit.

I will always wonder at the sunlight reflecting on frost, snow and ice.

The birds will always captivate my attention and cause me wonder.

My scarf drawer will always be full and available.

I will make bad puns shamelessly.

I will appreciate good fashion sense and try to find my own.

I will never shy away from wearing a hat,

and I will never underestimate the value of a good belt.

Kindness and generosity will always be my intention.

And I will always choose to forgive, I will always choose to love.

Something Unexpected

2010-11-29T08:28:00.002-06:00

I had fully intended to write about Jason's Granny and Papa, yesterday was his Papa's birthday! Happy birthday!! But I had no idea I would end up in the delivery room while my best friend's daughter gave birth. I was amazed. Briana did it all with no drugs of any kind, and gave birth to a beautiful baby boy. Rylan James, was 8.4 lbs and I think they said 20 inches long. I told her she is my hero, and I meant it, the pain, the down right agony she was in, but she handled it like a champ. Didn't even start making noise till the last half hour of contractions.

I am thankful that I was there for that, thankful to have been one of the witnesses.

Now begins what promises to be the craziest week of this semester, so I think this will be the last post in the month of Gratitude, I missed a few days, and have a list of people I had planned to mention, but there will be other years, and who says I can only be grateful for the people in my life one month of the year?? **GRINS**

Brights

2010-11-27T21:49:00.003-06:00

My dad's sister Twyla married Tim Bright and they had six kids. I have many memories of adventures and good time with this family. Recently I've been excited to reconnect with them on facebook. Tim and Twyla spent nearly twenty years in Ghana teaching and ministering. I always enjoyed the stories they told while on furlough in the states, and wish I'd had a chance to visit them while they still lived there. I'm glad they are in the states now though, they have a lot of grandchildren to spoil! I am thankful for these fun people, and the memories I have of them!

DeWelts

2010-11-26T19:14:00.002-06:00

I've waited for this day to write briefly of my gratitude for my mother's family because 68 years ago today Don DeWelt married Elsie Printz. The role those two played in my childhood was not only large, but also important to me. Many of the things I like best about myself, or think of as important to this world can be traced to conversations with either of them when I was still a child and the time I lived with Grammy while I was a teenager. My mom's parents had a big impact on many lives around the world, both directly and by way of their descendants. I don't remember when we started going to Joplin every month, I just remember that being an important part of life and one I never wanted to miss! Spending time with Grammy as well as my cousins and Aunts and Uncles was often the highlight of each month. Not because my life at was droll or bad in anyway, just because there was so little need to explain. We all knew each other so well that it seemed like everything picked up where it left off at each visit. Imagination and curiosity were encouraged at almost every turn, and we took full advantage! Uncle Dan wrote short stories that featured us as characters at one point! The five cousins made up all kinds of games to play in Uncle Chris and Aunt Carol's living room, the rules of which I no longer remember exactly. I think I could easily fill a good sized book with memories of time spent with this group of people. They are very dear to me --both the memories and the people. My gratitude for them knows no depth.

Life

2010-11-25T19:03:00.002-06:00

Today is the reason this month is a month of gratitude. Thanksgiving. It is a beautiful word, and beautiful idea.

Today I am simply grateful for this life.

I am far from perfect.

But my life is so full, so whole, I am overflowing with love and thanksgiving!

Kevin and Melody

2010-11-24T13:22:00.003-06:00

These two beautiful people have been my closest friends for some years now. They are the kind of people who are there for you when you need them, no matter what. We've shared some great times and some less than great times, hit some bumps and sped around some nasty curves, but through it all we are still friends. Mel and I hit it off almost from the first moment we met. Her friendship got me through some hellish times. Her capacity to give of herself is exemplary. I've had the privilege of watching her come into her own in the world of dance, and continue to be amazed at her increasing skill, and the depth of feeling she brings to each and every performance. I know I am blessed to have them in my life. They are two of the dearest souls I know, thank you both for accepting me and hanging in there with me, even when I was crazy. You are the best!

My Dad's Family

2010-11-22T12:31:00.002-06:00

Yes, this is a LARGE group. There are some I know better than others, but I am grateful for all of them. My dad's family is huge. As a child trying to keep track of the Dorris clan and the Whitehead clan and keep them separate was challenging, frustrating, and there were times I honestly wasn't sure which grandparent's siblings we were visiting. But over the years I listened and learned, I payed attention and made connections and things began to stick. Were it not for his grandmothers I don't know where I would be today, because without them I don't know where my dad would be. They were shining examples of love for my father, and even though I never knew them well in person, I have become acquainted with my father's memories of them. Now, I'm not proud of the fact that it has taken me the better part of three decades to do this, but for some time now I have been fully aware of not just which grandparents siblings are which, but also who their children and grand-children are (for the most part, and in some cases in face more than in name). But that's not small feat!

I have enjoyed the many reunions and holidays and life celebrations I've been able to attend in my life. We always have a good time, and it doesn't take long for all the faces, most of the names, and all the voices to become familiar and create a sense of home. I've learned the value of family from my family, and from my father's family. Even when the reunions are years apart, and through the changes in the cast of people present, we are united, we lift each other up, hold each other together, and led what ever help we can. I'm very thankful to not only be descendant from the Dorris and Whitehead lines, but also abundantly proud.

John and Meredith

2010-11-20T08:16:00.002-06:00

Admittedly this will mostly be about Meredith, which only reflects that I'm closer to her, and that today is her Birthday! But I am thankful for both of these people, and they are dearer to me than they know.

I've known Meredith for over a decade, but it wasn't until she had Garrison that we began to be good friends. Her mom, Pam, was my piano teacher -- see previous post. I always looked up to Meredith and even thought she was perfect. Of course kids have a funny way of judging what is perfect and was is not, I still think she's perfect, but not in a porcelain, pristine, untouchable way. Her brand of perfection stems from her constant creativity, her ability to recognize and appreciate the gorgeous and the simple for what they are, and her earnest desire to live a full, fun, and passionate life. John and Meredith are partners in a journey which I'm confident will only continue to get better and better. I love them both and am so proud to say they are my friends.

Writers I knew

2010-11-19T22:57:00.002-06:00

Emily Theroff led a creative writing group for several years at Access Arts in Columbia, MO. Mom would drive Jo and I to Columbia once a week, Jo for pottery, me for writing. Helen started coming with me after a while, and when I was old enough we would drive up together. It was the best. I always looked forward to that class. The encouragement and creativity of that group of people was awesome. We supported each others love for the written word and for writing of all sorts. I have tried to recreate that environment at different times in my life and it's never worked out the same. I love to write. I don't think I'm very good at it, but I know I get better the more I learn and try. I'm so glad, thankful that Emily spent some time in MA and came back to MO and started that group!!

Eve Tolan took up the post of leading that group after Emily left. She made us work. Which was good. She told me I should write poetry, almost to the point of not messing with any of that other stuff. I didn't spend a lot of time with her, but what time I did spend had a huge impact. I am thankful to her for that, but not just that, also for her friendship with Helen. Eve was there for Helen after I left, and I am so glad she was!

I wrote about two people because I was too exhausted to blog yesterday. Good night.

The Way

2010-11-17T23:02:00.003-06:00

Today I am thankful for Julia Cameron. Google her and the Artist's Way. Her books have been very helpful to me over the years and I don't know where I would be without morning pages!!

Thank you for sharing Julia, a million times, thank you!

Two for One

2010-11-16T08:09:00.002-06:00

Yes, I'm bad, I completely forgot to blog yesterday!

So, yesterday's post would have been Heath and Emily.

I am thankful for Heath and Emily firstly because they are the reason I met Jason. Had they not decided to open a goth club, Kevin wouldn't have had a birthday party there and we wouldn't have met. I am also grateful for their friendship. Jason has a lot of good memories of good times with those two and the rest of the gang. I've enjoyed getting to know Em over the years. She took the Artist's Way journey with me and some other friends, and her perspective was always helpful, and rarely anything I would have thought of. She is also one of my belly dance friends, her blog is on the list to the right of this blog, and her encouragement and passion for the dance is contagious. I am very grateful this couple is in my life!

Today I am grateful for Heidi. I'm grateful for her more than just today, but today I'm going to write a little bit about it. I met Heidi in my first semester of college, I needed an extra source of income and went to work for an office cleaning company. She was the manager. We became friends over the next few weeks and started getting together outside of work. She is a steadfast and true friend. Her sense of right and wrong run deep and have been a good example to me. She was always there when I needed her, and still is. I don't know where I'd be if we hadn't become friends. Heidi also took the Artist's Way journey! It is interesting to think about all the people who have helped guide me and encouraged me over the years. I don't want to think about where I would be without Heidi, I don't think it would be a very nice place, certainly not when compared with where I am now.

CWCC

2010-11-14T12:14:00.003-06:00

http://www.capitalwestcc.org/cwcc2.nsf

Above is a link to a church where my family and I attended for several years in the 90's. It is also the church where my sister got married! There are a great many good hearted beautiful people within this church body. I have so many fun memories, mostly at the old church building, with all the electric outlets! The fellowship and friendship I enjoyed while attending this church cannot be measured. Everyone was so encouraging and uplifting of each other, it was truly a wonderful place to be and I cherish my memories from those days. Keep up the good work! Thank you for being the loving and supportive group that you were/are!

Ash and Vic

2010-11-13T23:21:00.002-06:00

Ashely and Vicky Wiggs are two of my best friends. When I was needed a place to live and fast they cleared out a room in their house and said stay as long as you like. Vicky witnessed on our official wedding papers, and as you can see was in the wedding. Ashely has always supported my music habit, feeding my interest in various artists and appreciating the ones who play the piano! I am so glad they are my friends! Tomorrow is Ashely's birthday, tonight was his party, it is likely still going, Jason and I stopped by for a while and had a great time. He chose a 20's theme and we got all dressed up, it was fun. Thank you, both of you, for all the laughs and hugs and general good times, and for being there when I've needed you.

Faire Folk

2010-11-12T22:08:00.002-06:00

This will be quick, because it's late and I'm worn out! But, I am not going to let the month pass without expressing my gratitude for the Rennies of this world. I have loved going to Renn Faires for as long as I've known what they are. I have some good friends who have a long history with the one in KC and have come to know many folks traveling from far away to bring some laughter and entertainment to our mundane lives.

This said, I want to especially thank a good friend who recently helped me out. I was freaking out about my recital last month. I was mostly second guessing myself silly. In response to a post about that he surprised me with his CD, "Shine Like A Star." It's a guided meditation and hypnosis CD which helped in two ways. First, I listened to it every evening for about two weeks and just forcing myself to relax and do the breathing and visualizing did wonders for my stress levels. Second, on the CD James gives several techniques and I used them to affirm what I already knew. Whatever the reason for it working, it did. I'm not saying that had I not practiced for several hours most days for the past five years I would have been able to perform a recital, but I was able to focus on what was important and stop worrying about whether or not I would freak out and forget everything. Long and the short is there's absolutely nothing hoaky about it and I recommend giving it a try. Here is his website: http://www.harmonyhypnosis.net/

Thank you!!

In Deepest Gratitude on this Veterans Day

2010-11-11T20:31:00.004-06:00

Milton Dorris

Bob Carlisle

Dan DeWelt

Dick Meyers

Doug Crousore

Robert Meyers

Steve Bare

I likely know more than I've listed without knowing that I do, but I want to be sure to mention these men. I've known them all at some point in my life and am grateful for their sacrifice. I firmly believe that whatever a persons politics or opinions about war, we should all be thankful for the millions of men and women who willingly put their lives, families, futures, health, and sanity at risk so we have the privilege to try to make the world better. America is not perfect, not by any means, but I think it is fair to state that its failings are as much the fault of its citizens as its politicians. But that is for another post on someone else's blog.

Thank you, you deserve so much more gratitude than you get!

Dancin' Ladies

2010-11-10T21:13:00.004-06:00

Pictured above are a few of the lovely ladies who take their passions beyond the level of hobby. I am fortunate to have so many belly dance friends! I am thankful for their friendship and encouragement. They shine, on the stage, in the studio, and in their lives. Thank you!!!

Abby

2010-11-09T08:40:00.002-06:00

I've probably posted this picture before. The gal in the middle is my cousin Abby. Her birthday is today and I think that makes this the perfect day to write about my gratitude that she is a part of my life. She's been like a sister to me most of our lives. There is not much that we haven't talked about over the years. And the three of us girl cousins are a force to be reckoned with, let me tell you! We all had Grammy to guide us in our childhood trysts.

Abby has grown into such a beautiful young woman. Her strength of character is unshakable, her convections and love are deep and true. If she is on your side you cannot loose, it's not possible. She has a heart for God and for healing the broken in this world and this is clearly visible in her life. I know I am not the only one who bursts with pride over her! I'm so proud to call her my cousin, to know her as family, think of her as a sister and confidently love her as a friend. We share so many memories, I look forward to all that we will have to share in the future. I love you Abby, thank you for being such a great woman and friend.

Teachers

2010-11-08T22:34:00.002-06:00

Yes, I am grateful for teachers. I am grateful for their dedication, patience, and their rules. Without teachers where would any of us be? What would the world be like? I don't think it would be possible to not have teachers, even where there are no schools, people would still be teaching. Teachers wear so many hats. They are often also wives/husbands, mothers/fathers, performers, researchers, volunteers, choir leaders, writers, and on and on.

When I thought about listing my teachers I realized that in spite of homeschooling the list would be quite long. I think it's a good thing that I've been blessed with such good teachers. I can count on one hand the number of truly frustrating or even "bad" teachers I've encountered and I'd have a couple fingers left over. So, if you're reading this, and I was ever in your classroom or studio, Thank you!

CCCC

2010-11-07T12:28:00.003-06:00

The people at Capitol City Christian Church are a bunch of dear, loving, generous, souls and their impact on my life was great. I would like to name a few, but I know I will forget some and mix others up with the Capitol West congregation, and the sister church across the river to the north. Just a few of the many special people include Joan and Gary Baker, Richard and Shelly DeBose, BillyJean, all the Raders, the Logstons, the Pims, the Shakelfords, the Lanes, the Engelbrechts, the Sawyers, the Runyons, I could do this for a while! Anyway, I am so grateful to have been brought up in that church, with those people. Keep up the good work!

The Boys

2010-11-06T22:13:00.003-05:00

Tonight I would like to say a few words about two of the best "little men" I know. Garrison and Torsten are the boys I babysit most weekdays of the year. I've been there since Garrison was born, five years ago now. They are so well behaved and smart! They've got personality times infinity and I don't know what my life today would be without them. Had Meredith and John not needed a babysitter for G, I likely wouldn't be about to graduate from college or be happily married. These are reasons enough to be grateful for them, but I'm also grateful because being around those guys has helped me keep things in perspective. Having a chance to see the world through the eyes of a youngster can make bad days much more bearable. Their eagerness to learn and to please are always inspiring, and even on the more challenging days they are a blessing--yes, that is in part because I know I get to leave. The fact is, I love those guys and know that I will miss them, and be proud of them always.

Mrs. "A"

2010-11-05T22:38:00.003-05:00

Today I want to put to words how grateful I am that Pam Allman is in my life and I find that there aren't enough words, or that any I can think of are inadequate. She was my piano teacher from the age of 12 to I think 18ish is when I had my last piano lesson with her. The many things I learned while in those lessons expand well beyond the keyboard. She always made me work hard, but made it fun and kept everything interesting. It didn't matter how zany an idea I'd come up with she'd listen and help me work it out. Her excitement about music and her encouragement to keep trying and give my best were endless qualities that seemed as natural to her as breathing.

We became friends through those years. Her friendship has been a true blessing in my life. I always felt welcome in her home and with her family. There are others in her family whom I will mention in later posts this month, but I think I can state with no fear of contradiction that if ever I had need of anything and she could help me she would, and if she couldn't she'd stay with me until I found someone who could. That is a rare and beautiful thing, and I suspect that I am not the only of her students for whom she has done, or would do these things.

Thank you Pam, with all my heart, thank you.

In-Laws

2010-11-04T07:39:00.002-05:00

I am so grateful for my in-laws! They are wonderful people. I have been very blessed and fortunate to fall in love with a man whose family is so loving and kind. They have welcomed me with open arms from the first day I met them. I always feel loved and included in their family. I know, this all sounds too good to be true, but it is 100% fact. Part of the reason Jason grew into the man I love so much is due to the people who raised him. I will always be thankful for this family!

Siblings

2010-11-03T08:20:00.003-05:00

Obviously my sister is my first sibling. She knows me in ways no one else does. We used to say if we weren't sisters we probably wouldn't even be friends because we have so little in common outside of being family. I'm glad, grateful, that we are sisters, because I wouldn't want to miss out on being her friend for the world! I'm so proud of her, she is a fantastic mom and talented artist to boot! I can't imagine not being an aunt at this point. I LOVE being not just any aunt, but Aiden, Serenity, and Iris's aunt especially. Those are the best three kids anyone could ever ask for. I have so enjoyed watching them grow and can't wait to know them as teenagers and adults. I've also got a brother out of the deal :) He's a good man with a good heart and good intentions.

But I've been blessed with other siblings. Today I'll focus on the ones from my younger years. Helen and Lindsey. Helen came to live with us a couple times while her mom was in the hospital. She is my younger sister's age, but we had so much in common, loved to read and learn, liked a lot of the same music and movies, it was a natural fit. I always thought of her as part of our family, and still do. Lindsey and I met when we were pretty young at church, in fact if I remember right we started being friends at a church get together at a swimming pool. We did some zanny things and while we were teenagers we were able to make each other laugh when things got hard.

There were times all four of us sisters would be together...man, that could get CRAZY! But it was all so much fun! I am so glad we are all still friends. They all have children, which is great, because I love kids as long as I can give them back! :P

It's hard not to write about my cousin in this post because she was often a part of these revelries and is very much a sister to me, but I will abstain, that post is coming.

Day 2, Two people

2010-11-02T08:18:00.003-05:00

I am so very grateful for my parents. They have always believed in me. And I'm learning more and more as I live that it is rare that I never once in my life doubted that my parents loved me, and would love me no matter what I did. I knew I could do things they wouldn't like, but they would still love me. Which taught me a pretty big lesson early on, we are not our actions or our choices. We can let them define us, and they will be what most of the world has to go on to get to know us, but when we let our actions, good or bad, or let the labels others put on us, define who we are we can loose sight of the bigger picture, loose sight of who we want to be. This has been a valuable lesson in my life and one that I have used to pull myself out of some terrible places.

I love my mom and dad and hope they too never have reason to doubt it!

November Gratitude

2010-11-01T07:32:00.002-05:00

This month I have decided to post everyday. Each day's post will be about one person or group of persons for whom I am grateful. This is the month of Thanksgiving, and I've been feeling especially grateful lately, so doing my blog this way makes good sense to me.

I am grateful for way more than 30 individuals, so most days I will likely mention a group and perhaps name individuals within it. Today however, being the first day I will name the person I'm the most grateful for...

Jason Sinco. The love of my life. The man who makes my life richer and more enjoyable in so many ways. He provides for me every single day. We live in a nice house in a good part of town, he built a garden and helps keep it up, he built furniture for the patio. He knows when I need a hug, even when I don't want it. Jason keeps things together and moving forward in our life; this past weekend when I was so nervous and anxious about my recital, he kept me calm and focused. I never had to worry about what was being done for whom because he had it all under control. We had family in town from my side and his and it was a wonderful experience all the way around and I know that is due to his hard work. He loves me so completely, I'm constantly amazed by him, I don't deserve him, but I'm so very happy he's in my life! Knowing that I will have him by my side for the rest of my days is the best motivation I've ever had to do what I can to make those days good for both of us.

Thank you baby, I love you!

The Big Event

2010-10-26T06:44:00.002-05:00

Four days. In four days I will perform my recital and have another big thing to check off my list of big things happening his semester. It feels good to be accomplishing things. I am nervous, but no longer worried. It will be what it is and hopefully most of it will be good.

That will be all for now.

Autumn Swings

2010-10-16T20:49:00.005-05:00

"He's so cute! But he better stop eating the bird's seed!"

Two weeks from today I will perform my senior recital. This is a big deal. I don't think I was thinking of it as a big deal until recently. My goal is to have a PhD in Ethnomusicology, which doesn't require that I even know how to play the piano, necessarily. However, that is the instrument I can play, and I wanted to stay in Springfield, so Dr. Collins got me set up in the music program and on my way to fulfilling my dream. It all started when I had been babysitting for Meredith for a few months and she had encouraged me to think about going back to school, then I met Dr. Collins at the first Springfield Symphony concert I attended and we go to talking. Since then many things have changed. I've learned so much more than I thought I would and I've only had my desire to learn strengthened with each class and lesson. I'm now trying to get a folklore minor as well as applying to several graduate programs and receiving tremendous support from my professors, especially Dr. Parsons.

Having the booth has been good for me despite the amount of stress I'm already under because I have to give it at least a little bit of time each week, which is time spent not doing homework or practicing. Jason is the most patient and supportive husband in the world. I don't know if I would have stuck with school this far if not for him.

Ultimately I'm feeling very grateful right now. Yesterday and a couple times to day I had the strongest sense that Grammy was with me. Almost physically with me, I could so vividly remember the way her hands felt on either side of my face...it was beyond belief, I know she is with me right now and carrying that knowledge is beautiful.

This life is an amazing and unpredictable journey, I don't want to miss any of it!

Truth

2010-10-10T10:24:00.003-05:00

Truth is no matter how much I love to do it, I don't believe I can dance.

Truth is despite good people believing in me and skilled and knowledgeable people teaching me, I don't think I'm any good at the piano.

Truth is as much as I want to write, I don't do much of it because I know I'm not clear and relatable.

Truth is I know I don't practice enough of any of the above.

Truth is I'm no where near as good a wife as my husband deserves.

Truth is I know my opinion about these things is only my opinion and not absolute.

Truth is without the Love and Support of my family and friends I wouldn't be trying anything I love.

Truth is without the encouragement of those who love me I would still be working at Panera and expecting nothing more than a paycheck every two weeks.

Truth is some days the only thing that works is to remember what the people I admire most tell me about myself.

Truth is I will graduate in the spring.

Truth is I will perform a senior recital to the best of my abilities.

Truth is I will write many many papers and each one will be better than the last.

Truth is self-doubt is a part of being me, part of being human.

Truth is I need to remember to give back, to be the loving encouraging wife, daughter, sister, cousin, friend.

Truth is I try.

Truth is I plan to never give up.

Truth is I will keep putting one foot in front of the other until I have no feet, and then I will fly!

Booth

2010-10-08T10:43:00.002-05:00

This is our booth! My friends and I are giving it a try. Jason is contributing his woodworking projects and crafting skills as well. I think it will be fun. I will take more pictures this weekend after we give it the Halloween/Fall make over....

Goings On

2010-09-11T20:37:00.002-05:00

Jason had this great idea, the result is above. Papermache heads to display hats, and scarves and such. Why would I need to do that you may wonder...I'll tell you why. Two of my closest friends and I are going to start a flea market booth. Just to see what happens. We will split the cost and can sell things we find and things we make, including hats! As Jason said, it's worth the money for the first few months to see if it works out at all. While checking things out at the Ozark Celebration Festival, we found a man doing traditional woodworking! Jason had a good time talking with him and trying out his lathe.

Life is good, but I have a lot on my plate and not much time to blog. Closer to the holiday's that will likely change.

Birthday Weekend!

2010-08-22T10:36:00.002-05:00

I found out via Facebook, that one of my favorite music groups was planning to be in STL the weekend of my birthday. That is as simple as it gets. Jason seems to Love making me happy. The concert got a late start, but was so worth it!! This is Zoe Jakes, she mostly dances during some of their numbers, but sometimes plays a small drum she attaches to a neck strap. She is a beautiful dancer, and so fun! She was having fun with her skill/art, and could spin infinities! My hero! Jason took a picture to document the smile. I smiled SO MUCH that night! Smiled a lot that whole weekend. Jason's folks made reservations for all of us at a Greek restaurant for lunch and his mom took us to The Bead Store, which was a treat!! Then Jason paid for a pedicure that has lasted over a week! Last time I had a pedi was in VA for my birthday trip last year. I am so fortunate, 31 and still get a big deal made of my birthday. :) The concert was advertised as a masquerade, so I made some costumes. It was fun to use up scraps of things I loved as well as re-purpose other things. It was a great weekend all the way around. Tomorrow is the first day of the fall semester, my last fall semester as an undergrad, so crazy. I'm excited, but a bit of a wreck too.

Card

2010-08-20T11:19:00.003-05:00

I need to write about my great birthday weekend and post some pictures, and I will, but just now I was looking through some stationary to write some letters and I came across a card I got to send to Grammy, that I never sent. The front is flowers and bees and it says "I'm thinking of you..." then inside is says, "I always do." Why didn't I send this? It's so true!! And it's still true.

I promise, next time will be a happy report on last weekends fun times. :)

Dance

2010-08-08T11:45:00.003-05:00

The Lovely Powerful Women of Project Vagabond. Strong and Beautiful Gypsy Sol. Proud and Wonderful! Project Vagabond. I used to do this. Been three years I think since I left RedMoon, I had only just been allowed in after years as a student. When I first started lessons I didn't think I wanted to be on stage, just wanted to learn the dance. Then my confidence grew and I loved dancing on stage as a tribe! I've done a couple of solos since then and participated in the Cowboy Bepop project Em did. But I do miss the tribe. Miss dancing with a group of women who are dancing for love of music, life and movement. ATS and Tribal Fusion are styles of belly dance which embrace the power and strength of a woman as well as her beauty and grace. That is not to say that other styles of this dance aren't strong or powerful, on the contrary, but rather, that these styles seem to put those aspects of the dance to the forefront.

I am so proud of these women. Some I know well, others I just know enough to admire their skill and passion. I need to get back into dance. For me. I feel hollow sometimes for the lack of it in my life. Good thing I took notes and had a generous teacher! Thank you Zivah. Thank you to all my dancing friends. You bring joy and light and whimsy wherever you dance!

Invictus

2010-08-07T23:39:00.001-05:00

Out of the night that covers me, Black as the pit from pole to pole, I thank whatever gods may be For my unconquerable soul.

In the fell clutch of circumstance I have not winced nor cried aloud. Under the bludgeonings of chance My head is bloody, but unbowed.

Beyond this place of wrath and tears Looms but the Horror of the shade, And yet the menace of the years Finds and shall find me unafraid

It matters not how strait the gate, How charged with punishments the scroll, I am the master of my fate: I am the captain of my soul.

W.E.Henley

Just watched Invictus with my mom. Powerful movie, good message. Forgiveness can be strength.

Morning

2010-07-26T06:48:00.004-05:00

It is early. It is Monday. I've been trying to be sure and be up and at 'em around 6am every morning Mon-Thur. I like to have quiet mornings to myself. With a husband on the night shift you'd think that would be easy. But unless I am up at 6 or during school sometimes 5, it isn't possible. It's been great to go out and spend sometime weeding and mowing a little bit everyday. Sometimes I remember and take the radio out with me and listen to Morning Edition on NPR. I'll be heading out there in a few minutes. The sun has turned the clouds on the horizon gold, I can see them through the trees in my neighbor's back yard. The birds will be singing, the crickets will be scattering, mornings are magic to me. It's not something I think I could share with anyone, and I know I enjoy it best when I'm alone. I've always liked to be alone in the mornings. Which, when I was younger I think was weird to some, and hard for my fellow morning person dad.

Why am I writing this? I should be doing my morning pages. I was thinking about that word. Morning. Mourning. One of my dearest friends is going through something, mourning. I am mourning. It's a strange process that takes everyone differently, I think I've avoided the pages because that's where I can write anything, and I don't know if I want to. But I do know that I need to. Guess I better get to it then.

60

2010-07-25T12:15:00.007-05:00

Looking at my blog just now and seeing the previous posts title, "learning" got me thinking. Jason and I like to "watch some learning", which just means that we watch a documentary rather than a fiction movie or show. My dad said to me, well, my mom too now that I think of it, more than once, "I'm still learning". That would be said at so many different times and occasions, and was good for me to hear, good for me to know. We never stop learning. Not ever.

Today is my dad's 60th birthday. I am very proud of my father, for a lot of reasons. Last month I posted about him for father's day. Both of my parents have been so many things to me in my life. I guess that's what parents do. They provide, teach, discipline, lead, laugh, love, protect, etc... that could get long and ridiculous. How many people though, can say their parents learned? Right in front of them learned life lessons and had the wisdom and humility to say so out loud. WOW.

Learning

2010-07-16T21:56:00.004-05:00

I've been thinking lately about finishing things, and making different, and/or better choices. Such as, my going through my fabric and deciding that it was silly to hoard it all until I'm the size I want to be, if I can make the clothes, by golly I can make them smaller when the time comes! So now I have a new summer wardrobe for the cost of some thread and my time. One piece is pictured above. I LOVE that fabric!! Got it for a dollar a yard years ago and have been sitting on it, carting it around with me from here to where ever. Some things I even had cut out and ready to be sewn, just hadn't done it yet! I also went through my closet, and with the help of my husband managed to cull the weak, so to speak. It feels good.

But I have to say, as I've gone through this process I think about when I bought the fabric, or the pattern or what ever. I know most of this is stuff I don't NEED now, didn't NEED then, and etc... I'm committed to not buying anymore fabric unless it's for a project I'm actually working on and have a committed time frame for. Back when Jo and Abby and I were out dress shopping and hat shopping they talked about shopping therapy. I've done that. Not for clothes or shoes, but for fabric, yarn, ribbon, thread, buttons, you get the point. But how therapeutic is it to do that and then just hoard the stuff? This project of going through my stuff and finishing things has been more therapeutic than buying any of it ever was!

So, it's still a daily thing. Choosing to spend my money on things I'm going to use or consume wisely, deciding to make something and be creative rather than vegg out in front of the computer or TV, making a healthy meal at home and not drive thru for junk. But one day at a time is the only way to do it.

Pruning

2010-07-10T14:14:00.002-05:00

These were taken on the 24th of June, the tomatoes were much much bigger by the time we got back from vacation. They were heavy with all the green tomatoes, especially the two not cherry varieties, the Amish paste had actually started roots off the vines that were along the ground and were growing toward the fence! Many tomatoes were spiting and rotting, it was a MESS!

Yet, when it came time to prune them Jason pointed out all the tomatoes we were throwing away, all green still. He seemed surprised that I was so sure about cutting them off and tossing them out, and even that I didn't hesitate. Well, I want some good tomatoes this year, so even though there wasn't anything "wrong" with them, no disease, or pest or what have you, they had to go. I know I can trust in the productivity of what we still have. Here they are all staked up and still laden with fruit! And we can now clearly see the basils and the ground beneath so as to keep it free of weeds, which at the beginning of this day it was not. I have already enjoyed lots of the cherry toms this week and am looking forward to the bountiful and continuous harvest I'm sure we will have this summer.

I've been thinking how much like life this is. How important it is to stop once in a while and look at the bigger picture. See how spread out one is. Will there be any chance of a good harvest if we are pumping our energy into too many things? Of course not! It is good to look at your life every so often and do away with the unnecessary. Not because it's bad, or there's anything wrong with it, but because it is distracting from what is most important. Such as one's spouse, or children, or what hobbies really do bring complete relaxation. This life is too short to spend stressed out and tired all the time, but it's quite easy to get that way with out noticing when we aren't doing a thorough inventory of our lives from time to time.

Well, enough of that, the preacher in me is coming out, can't have that!! Must wake my husband up from his much needed and deserved nap. :)

My Sister

2010-07-02T08:13:00.003-05:00

Today my sister turns 29. I have loved her for 29 years. When she moved to VA I felt like I was living 100 years ago and watching her sail across the Atlantic. That's just how far it felt, and how hard I thought it would be to go see her. I worried that her children wouldn't know me, or that because they only saw me rarely they wouldn't like me, I worried that she'd either love it so much she never came back to visit or would have so many friends out there that she wouldn't think about me, I worried about a lot of things. I am a big sister, and that's what I do. :)

But the fact is that I haven't been the only one loving my sister for 29 years. As much as sisters fight as teenagers they bond too, and we have a bond that has stood up to many a test. I have been in her corner even when it meant defying people I loved and respected, sometimes even when I wasn't sure she was right, because the point wasn't who was being defied, or who was right, the point was then and will always be that she knows I'm with her. It's hard sometimes as adults, hard because I know she is strong enough to face anything that comes her way, she has the courage to stand on her own two feet and fight for what she wants, what she knows is right, and I know how hard that fight can be, it's hard to let her be all she can be. I often resist the urge to fly out there and "fix" things. Not because she's not doing it right, but because there are morons in the world and they don't treat her the way I think they should, and I'll tell them that any day. But that wouldn't help. The only way any of them will start treating her right is for her to tell them that in her way and her time, or for her to tell them to just get lost. :)

I see her strength every time I see her children. I am so proud of her I could just burst! They are three of the smartest most well behaved kids I've ever known. They have manners that rival Ms. Post, and for all their sibling bickering it is clear that they love each other and will stick together against whatever bully any one of them must face. I used to think that it would be frustrating to be a mom and have everybody focus on that all the time, and maybe it is, I know that's not the only wonderful thing about her, or even the most wonderful, but man, her mothering is impressive! Those children are testament to her courage and fortitude, to her grace and capacity for love, to her kindness and understanding, and even to her ability to discipline.

There was a time I wanted to own an art gallery. I wanted to have a place where artists like my sister and my friends could display their talent and even do shows involving music and drama. I've been so blessed to be surrounded by such talented and expressive people, the first of which is my sister. So Jo-Jo, make some art today, make your day your art, do whatever comes to your heart. I love you!

Father's Day

2010-06-20T11:37:00.003-05:00

Today is a day we honor our fathers. I realize that to be fair I should have done this for my mom on mother's day, but there will be another one next year, and I got to see her for mother's day. :)

My papa is easily the most forgiving and generous man I'll ever know. Throughout my life he's been there as an example of Godly living and loving. Even when he was working three jobs and only really getting paid for one of them, he had time to tell me about my great-grandmother, or tell me he was proud of me for the garden, or my piano playing, or sometimes just because. His road has perhaps never been broad or easy, but you can't tell it when he smiles. He has a strength and courage that have their foundations in a love and strength that is bigger than he is, bigger than any problem he must overcome, and he knows that. I'm constantly amazed at his ability to keep going with a smile on his face and a kind word to those who don't deserve it.

Loving the unlovely is something he does daily. I just hope that we (his family) are lovely, and maybe easier to love. That we lighten his load and help to hold him up when life wears him out. My papa is an overcomer. He lives daily in grace and patience. The joy and relief he has given his whole life to those who need it is a beautiful thing to behold and remember. His ability to see the lesson in just about every situation, even when the lesson to be learned is the only possible positive thing, has been a great help to me. I am always trying to remember the lessons he taught me and to see the thing to learn in the seemingly impossible.

I am so glad Douglas Arther Dorris is my papa! I love him so much, thank you papa, for being the best man of God you can, believe me, it shows!

Growth

2010-06-16T19:06:00.004-05:00

Grammy always told us that she wanted the three of us to sing at her funeral. She said she didn't care what, but all three of us. I find that this past week the songs we sang as a congregation have been in my mind a lot. When I had breakfast with Abby, the one in the middle, she said she was having the same experience. It's like she's singing to us. That is more comforting that I can put to words. I have so missed worship, and she could do that, humbling and amazing to behold. Our garden in growing! These are the big tomatoes we're doing. the others are Amish paste and a cherry tom variety, they all have fruit on them! I need to mow, but it rained and stormed this afternoon, so perhaps I'll do it tomorrow.

Grammy

2010-06-13T12:33:00.002-05:00

I hardly know where to begin writing about my Grammy. She was wonderful. Strong, but knew how to play and have fun, and laugh, she could laugh and laugh. I was blessed to be able to live with her for a time, a few times. She was fiery and steadfast. Her faith was everything and by that I mean that it was the wellspring from which she drew daily her ability to love and live and forgive and sing and give. Oh, she gave. Never have I known someone who gave as much as she did. I miss her so much. So much.

There has been much talk in the last week or so about her among her descendants. One thing that I've thought again and again is how I've missed her for so long, I hardly know what to feel now. Dementia and the gradual break down of physical function took her from us long ago. She was very loved by the people at the home where she stayed her last years. Even when they were clearly tired and worn out, they always had a smile for her. And it speaks volumes to me that despite being practically catatonic for the last little while she never once had a bed sore. My uncle and aunt where perfect advocates for her, making sure she had her own room and going to see her as often as they could. I don't know how they did it, but I'm so grateful they did.

I've found that a lot of memories that I couldn't look at for a while now are surfacing. Remembering times from when I lived with her and before that. Not just the events, but her. Seeing her face, hearing her voice as though I were actually there again. I hadn't let myself do that. The in-between she's been in for so long, where she wasn't really with us anymore, but wasn't on the other side yet either was hard. There isn't another word for it. When I lived with her in Springriver, the retierment village/nursing home where she lived the last two decades of her life, we would go up to the "bighouse"( what we called the building with the apartments and the nursing home ) and visit some of the elderly there. She would always always tell me that she never wanted to live there, or live like that. In those days she could out walk me without trying she was so vivacious and alive! I know that a lot of what made it hard for me these last years was the guilt I felt that she was in the "bighouse". I don't know if I thought I should have had a place for her to be with me, or should have moved there, or if I just knew in a very personal way how hard that was for her. I also knew though, that she wanted so much for me, for all her grandchildren, and that she would never have begrudged me anything, it wouldn't have crossed her mind. I decided I had to deal with it, to try to overcome and live my life. I know that was a big part of how I finally got back in school and away from a very destructive situation, dealing with my feelings of guilt and making some peace with it.

Now I am grieving. Truly grieving. This is not some thing I do well, if anyone does or can do such a thing well. I do think that to do it at all is the beginning. I couldn't help but think of past times when someone close to me died, when I was four my father's dad died and when they told us I remember crying and crying, hard, with sobs and all of it. But I was four, so I don't think it continued to affect me. I have the impression that I dealt with it as best my little self could and that was that. Later, when I had just turned 11 my cousin Matthew died in a car accident. That was very difficult for the whole family. I clearly remember grandpa telling us there would be no TV the day of the funeral, the grief in his voice. I watched all the important people in my life try to deal with the unthinkable, but I didn't deal with it. I told myself he was up there playing basketball and waiting for the rest of us to come home and that was that, he was happy and that was what mattered. Less than a year later grandpa died.

I guess where I'm going with this is that I had occasion to grieve, but I don't know that I ever really figured out how to do it. I think most people just do it, but some of us have to consciously decided to do it. Some of us tend to prefer to act like everything is fine and this is just the natural course of things and any pain or trauma that we might feel gets ignored or shoved aside and dismissed, for whatever reason. I am not going to do that anymore. I don't care if anyone thinks I'm selfish for taking the time to grieve. I don't want to think twice about the value of making sure I do this, or if I should be more concerned with other things going on in my life.

Grammy was possibly the most influential person in my life. I mean that. So I need to make an effort to have great peace with her death and her life and how that entwines with mine.

Grammy

2010-06-11T12:32:00.003-05:00

This is best of the most recent photos I have of my Grammy. She died last week, the 3rd of June. I will write a nice long post about that, but for now I just wanted this picture on my blog. The kiddo is Aiden, my sister's oldest, this was taken in late summer of '05, he is 4. She is 85. This is harder than I'd expected it to be.

Sunburn

2010-05-31T13:38:00.002-05:00

The tall plants/bed are potatoes. Jason is very proud and excited about them. Next to those are the zucchini and some marigolds. We did some serious weeding in this bed and the tomato basil bed behind it be fore getting to work taking down the following. We decided to air out the tents and see what they look like. He's never seem mine, I've never seen his, so we set them up and left them over night. All nice and fresh. Next day what had been a bit pink was red, the tank I've got on is pink, if that gives you any indication. I keep forgetting I have that tattoo. The whitish stuff is the lotion Jason lathered on for me before heading off to work.

I've thought a lot about sunburns. Remembering some of the worse one's I've had in my life and so forth. I realized something, all the worst ones, except the one on my scalp, happened when I was the one responsible for my sunscreen. In other words, when I was on an outing without mom, or since I've been an adult. Yes, this is in part due to my belief that I am unstoppable and impervious. Also a bit daft. I always, always forget how bad it is until it's happened again. I'm a wimp about it too. Poor Jason's had to put up with all the wincing and whining. But last night I managed to sleep on my back and only woke myself up a couple times trying to roll over. Is there a moral to this story? Duh, were more sunscreen, and make sure to get you're back. But, will I actually remember that next time, doubtful. So, I've been stuck inside. I choose to sort through my fabric. Remember how clean and nice this room was a week or so ago? It's already looking better, and I'm getting lots of things planned out, it's pretty exciting. If a tad overwhelming.

The Candle Project

2010-05-23T15:26:00.003-05:00

So you get to see this project in reverse. These are the finished two tone candles...

more of the two toneness. We are using wax from candles I've kept either because there was so much left over after it burned out, or because I loved the scent. The chopstick holders were Jason"s idea. He's so cleaver.

this is the melted wax. Candels we had started earlier and had sunk in the middle upon drying. The chunks of old candle about to melt.

Now we have lovely scented emergency candles!

All done

2010-05-18T11:00:00.002-05:00

This is where I will sew, and do most of my crafty things. So much more space!! Need to clean this up a bit still, but I like having a display of some sort. I had to use as much of the under table space as possible, but I think it works. Ready to get to work on my big window project! These shelves are finally organized in a way that makes sense to me. And all those trunks are full of different goodies. It's hard to tell from these photos, but there is a lot more floor space in this room than there has been, ever maybe. Now, to get busy on projects!