Overwhelmed

This past week was a cold one. The first part of the week we had days where the temperature literally did good to get to 14. My poor 17 year-old car didn't like this. To be specific the transmission didn't like it. On Thursday, January 13 she finally gave up the ghost, or whatever it is cars give up.

Jason has been telling me to figure out what type of car I want for that day when I need to get a new one, for months, more than a year perhaps. I have some money saved for a car. I picked out several that I liked, but it wasn't until recently that I realized that the kind I want and what I can afford with what I have saved don't match, not even a little bit. We checked around in cities outside the Springfield radius, within Springfield the prices are high, absurdly so. But I still haven't saved enough.

My lovely Toyota Camry wagon has been good to me. My sister had her before me. I've had her for almost 7 years. The longest I've had any car. I slept in that car, more than once. That car was a safe place when I didn't think I had one more times than I can count. I didn't realize how attached I was until this week. It's just a car. But it isn't. There are memories attached to that car -- I was driving that car when Abby called to tell me that Grammy had died. I drove away from bad times in that car. There are a lot of good and bad memories. That car was my independence for so long.

I named her, my sis had named her Draco, but she hadn't read Harry Potter. It was from the movie Dragonsomething and just means dragon. So I renamed her Lady Jane Dragonfly. Naming cars is something our friend Helen taught us and I am likely never going to stop doing it. I am unashamedly sentimental about a myriad of things only some of which make any kind of "sense".

Jason's parents made us an offer which I cannot refuse. I am so grateful to them. We had gone to a few car places. We had actually talked with a car salesman and I sat inside a new car. The whole thing was pretty stressful for me. I has thought that I would be giving Lady Jane to a friend of mine and picking out the car I wanted, or something very close to it. I didn't think she would just be dead and too far gone to warrant the money to fix. So when Joe and Linda offered for us to basically buy Linda's car for a song, the relief I felt was immense. No, a Buick isn't on the list of cars I want, but this car is in good condition, has only had two owners and we know them both. This car will be a dependable ride for a few years and in that time I can save up enough to get the car I want without the stress of being forced into a decision I don't want to make in the first place.

And now I will tell you that, while this is the most prominently stressful thing which has happened this week, it isn't the only stressful thing, or even the most overall stressful thing of the past week. Life is full of challenges; my life is full of people helping me meet those challenges. I am so blessed. I am so grateful.

The Value of Why

It has occurred to me recently that I don't ask why enough. I sometimes over answer the question when I'm asked, yet when I need to voluntarily explain why I fail to.

I baby sit a five-year-old who starting in his forth year asked why in response to almost everything he was told, at least what I told him. I did my best to give him real answers. But sometimes I found myself saying "Because I told you", or "It just is". Why? Because I was sure more than half the time he was asking why because he didn't know what else to say, or because he didn't like my first answer. So then I started reminding him to think first, not to just say why when he was frustrated with me or didn't like the answer, because I want to answer him when he really doesn't understand something, but if he says why all the time I'm going to stop answering him. He seemed to get that. Sometimes I feel sorry for he and his brother, I have such a backwards way of saying things on a good day, and they have to put up with me most days, good, bad, and otherwise.

I digress.

Often.

So many misunderstandings, frustrations, and blow ups in life could be avoided if we just stop and ask why. I don't mean we should expect other people to explain things to us, but that we make the effort to show them that we want to understand, or simply that we don't understand. What are we afraid of? Looking stupid? Speaking only for myself, I'd have to say it's a bit late for that. Being embarrassed or embarrassing someone else? That may happen, but isn't that better than loosing a friend?

I guess spending all that time in the truck on the road last week gave me time to ponder.

It takes guts to ask why. You have to be ready to hear the answer. So I'm not advocating random why's, or thoughtless explorations, but I do think in my life I'm going to ask why of myself as often as I can. I don't want to wander around this life. No I don't.

:)

Am traveling with my husband. So the listening log is happening, but posting them will be later. Having a good time with family though!!

As Promised

So this time last year I was seriously thinking that I would read all of Dickens in the year 2010. A friend even offered to read them with me and we got going pretty good I thought. But I soon realized that I wanted to read/research Dickens more than I wanted to do school work and that there really wasn't enough time for both. I don't like to admit it, but Dickens isn't something I can read for fun before bed. I need a less wordy companion for that, and when school is on I don't have time for much other reading. Lesson learned.

Sort of.

(I love that the program for this blog doesn't have grammar editing, I hate being told how many times I write a fragment! grrrr.)

This semester I will have no music classes. No piano lessons. I will be in choir once a week and attending recitals and convo's, but not studying music (Dr. Webb would not agree, choir is studying music...and he's right, but still...). This past semester I had 20th century music literature. It was a great class. We were required to do a listening log. I think mine was abysmal, but that is beside the point. I had done this in one other music lit class with the same professor and enjoyed it, I tried, that first time, to use it to listen to music I would not normally listen to. I listen to a variety of classical music for pleasure and must admit to a certain amount of complacency. Don't get me wrong, I do have a tendency to analyse what I'm listening to more often than not, even the pop stuff I enjoy, but when listening to instrumental music, or art music (I prefer this term), I have a definite bias. Piano, piano, piano, and yes, some more piano. Symphonies and concertos are in there too, but mostly solo piano music, and even the non keyboard art music CD's I own are composers most famous for their piano music.

This is not necessarily a bad thing, if I were interested in being some sort of piano repertoire expert, or wanted to only ever be a casual listener. However, I have higher aspirations, as always. So, rather than set myself up for shame thinking I'll stick with academic extra curricular activity for a year, I'm just going to try for a semester. I want to keep my finger in it so to speak. I have no idea what the future holds. Applications have been submitted, and fingers are crossed, but who knows? I may graduate this spring and need to find a job at Price Cutter. I may be accepted to grad school in another state, I may stay at MSU. Any of those things will be fine. But one thing I do know is that I want to continue to study music my whole life. So I want to develop a habit.

To that end I am going to start a listening log right here. Once a week, usually on Sunday morning, as that was the time I sent aside this past semester to work on grad app stuff and it didn't cut into other studies much, I will post the piece of music and what I find out about it. I'll do what I can to keep it on the level, meaning I will not be likely to ever cite Wikipedia. Rather, I will use the resources I've learned about in class and have at my disposal as a student. I'm not going to set up any kind of chronology or plan. In fact, if you are still reading this and would like to know more about a piece of music, any music, comment and let me know what it is, I might use that for an entry.

When I can I will include a link to the music, or perhaps find a way to upload mp3's from my computer.

That will be all for now.

Eclipse

Well, they are in reverse somehow, but above are some of the better ones of the pictures I took of the eclipse a week ago. It was chilly, but I wore my wool cape and slippers and sat on the bench my husband had made and enjoyed the show. This is at least the second eclipse I've seen, the first was when I was 12, or was it 13? Maybe younger, and it was my birthday.... anyway,we went to the outdoor theater in St. Louis to see Debbie Reynolds in the Unsinkable Molly Brown and she actually stopped the show to have the audience turn around and watch the eclipse! I'll never forget it! This time it happened on my niece's birthday! The winter solstice, Dec. 21, Iris is 6 now, absolutely crazy how fast those kids are growing! I'm so proud of them!

Shameless plug: I've added a new blog to the list on the right--> Abby is Melting, my cousin has begun a powerful journey and is sharing it with the world. I'm so proud of her, and inspired by her.

Soon, I will be writing about two things which I intend to do with this blog over the next few weeks. But for now, I must go to the library.

More to do...

Well another semester is over! I did pretty well, five A's, not too shabby I guess. Also got my sis' family Christmas in the mail in time to reach them for the holidays!! Thanks very much to my husband, who is always helpful and easily keeps me motivated and on track. I've been sewing and crafting and baking up a storm this week, and there is still more to do.....

Colored Glass

There are a plethora of smalls ways I try to be like her.

Seeing the beauty in the simplicity of colored glass vessels,

Light shining through them, their shape distorting the images seen through them,

These are simple pleasures, simple beauties.

I miss her so much, I have missed her for so long.

Knowing that I will now always miss her

Is sometimes too much to bear.

So I will always have stories for the children,

Always have something for them when they or I visit.

I will always wonder at the sunlight reflecting on frost, snow and ice.

The birds will always captivate my attention and cause me wonder.

My scarf drawer will always be full and available.

I will make bad puns shamelessly.

I will appreciate good fashion sense and try to find my own.

I will never shy away from wearing a hat,

and I will never underestimate the value of a good belt.

Kindness and generosity will always be my intention.

And I will always choose to forgive, I will always choose to love.